One of my favorite things to think about is, "What was I doing this time last year?" While some of the time it can be sad to think back to what was happening exactly a year ago - who you were dating, who you spent every night with, or what you were struggling with - I love getting to see how much I've changed since then. Recently, I heard someone refer to me as "different from high school" and I praise Jesus that I am not who I was in high school. If I'm not changing, then I'm not growing. What's the point of growing older if we aren't going to actually grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally?
My past year was rough. Potentially the roughest year that I've had in the first 19 years of my life. I jumped into college and found myself quickly sinking. School was awful. I was distant and lonely. I wanted someone to be there for me at any time, but all I got were cancelled plans. I became best friends with my roommate and our honorary roommate (bless you, Steph and Sophia). I changed into someone who I told myself I would never be. I became the people who I would never associate with in high school. But you know what I found? That it really wasn't that bad of a life that they were living. Going to parties was fun. Meeting new people was a way to grow in myself. However, after about a month I realized that this wasn't going to fulfill me. I had become stagnant because of what I was pursuing and how I was finding worth. At this time last year, I had once again fooled myself into thinking that I had a better idea of my identity than the one who made me.
Around the time that revelation dawned on me, I began my pursuit for community. I got frustrated with God. I got angry with God because he wasn't giving me community where I thought that I deserved it. How bold it was of me to think that I had a better idea of community than the Lord. Ha, what a good one, Han. I was constantly feeling left out and isolated within groups of friends solely because I was too stubborn to believe that my best friends weren't going to be in my organization. I couldn't accept the fact that I hadn't made instant friends. Now, though, some of my greatest friends are from where the Lord called me last spring. Some of my greatest friends are from going through two weeks of polishing small talk and bouncing and clapping. Some of my greatest friends were only acquaintances at this time last year.
A year ago today, I was still getting used to this whole college thing. I was settling with guys. I was settling with grades. I was settling with being stagnant. Thank the Lord for not allowing me to settle when it comes to His plans, though. No matter how many times I think that I know who I am, what I'm designed to do, or who I am meant to be with, the Lord wrecks me like a hurricane. Yes, I've changed from who I was last year. I've changed from who I was in high school. I've even changed from who I was last week. However, I don't view this as a negative. I am glad that people recognize that I've changed because that change shows the ways that Jesus Christ is changing in me. Because I have changed, I am given the chance to share about the ways that the Lord, not my own doing, has brought me out of darkness, out shame, out of regret, and into redemption.
I am not who I was a year ago. I am better off. I am forgiven for the mistakes that I made. I am gifted with friends who love me in my darkest. I am loved within my sin and struggle. I get to look forward to next year, October 2017, and look forward to the fact that I'll look back at myself today and think, "I've grown."
