I Can't Be Responsible For Your Happiness

I Can't Be Responsible For Your Happiness

When I don't have the tools to help someone fix something, I feel helpless.

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Have you ever been in a situation when someone was hurting or upset, and you just wanted to make it better? Have you ever just wanted to take away pain, anger, or hurt and put it on yourself to try to do so? Those actions might be symptomatic of a need to be responsible for other people's happiness.

I care so deeply about the people in my life. My friends and family are everything to me, and mean the world to me. You get it. I want to support people and be there for them as much as I can. More than anything, I just want people to be happy. This doesn't mean that I have to be responsible for other people's happiness.

Being responsible for other people's happiness is something that I struggle with regularly.

Even when someone is upset about something that has nothing to do with me, I still have the urge to put it on myself to fix it. I have a hard time seeing someone angry, feeling defeated, or just being negative. When I don't have the tools to help someone fix something, I feel helpless. The thing is that nobody necessarily asked me to fix it for them- I put it on myself. Sometimes we need to need to indulge in those feelings and sometimes anger is justified to a certain degree, but it is too much responsibility to take on for myself.

It's exhausting and heightens my anxiety, quite frankly. I think I feel the way I do because I see myself as a peacemaker, nurturer, or comforter by nature. It's instinctual for me. The hard part is that sometimes when I do this, I ignore my own emotions or feelings, brushing them aside. This can get toxic when it prevents me from being to able to express my emotions and thereby being vulnerable and creating connections with people. I have a hard time leaning on other people for support. I find it easier to be in the supporting role. I think it comes down to feeling like a burden on other people, which comes down to a self-worth issue.

Essentially, for me and other people that feel this way, I think the remedy for this is to focus on valuing ourselves. We have to help each other and remind each other that we are worthy of love and support. We have to find the people that will truly care about who we are as people and support us through the struggles. I have people I can lean on, luckily, but I still never want to feel like a burden to them. There are lots of ups and downs we all experience, and it's hard to do that without someone to lean on.

I'm going to work on being vulnerable and remind myself that not everything or everyone is in my control. Let's focus on loving ourselves where we're at and making progress.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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18 Things You Know To Be True If You Are A Dancer

#Dancerproblems.

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It's the night before my first dance competition of the season, so of course I'm going to write about dance. Without further ado here are 26 of the most common things you know if like me, you are a dancer.

1. You are constantly choreographing dances in your head.

It doesn't matter what song you are jamming out to, without fail, you find yourself choreographing dances, even at 2:00 AM.

2. You always find a way to practice your solos or dances for competition.

Even if you have a small space to work with, NOTHING, and I mean absolutely nothing will stop you from practicing.

3. You are constantly trying to better your technique.

All day, every day, it doesn't matter if you're working on turn combinations or bettering your tap technique, not a day goes by that you don't work on it.

4. You have a "dance drawer" in your dresser.

Leotards, tights, and booty shorts, oh my!

5. The studio is like your second home and your team is like your second family.

There's really no explanation needed.

6. You feel like you never get enough time in the studio.

Because there's no such thing as "too much dance"

7. Your weekends always consist of a dance private

Literally almost every weekend

8. You're not embarrassed about going out in public while wearing dance clothes.

And you don't care if people look at you funny for wearing your leotard and company jacket to a restaurant.

9. Your company jacket is your jacket of choice.

You've gotta represent your studio, plus it's sooo comfortable.

10. Forget the holidays, competition season is the most wonderful time of the year.

I love competition season so much!

11. You're always losing bobby pins.

Gotta love those sock buns that take you literally 15 minutes to do, and the ridiculous amount of bobby pins that you use just so your bun can stay in tact.

12. You have regular earrings and then you have dance competition earrings.

Those big sparkly earrings are always fun to wear.

13. Your Instagram explore page is full of videos of other dancers.

What can I say, I just love dance.

14. The phrase "I can't, I have dance" is one you say all the time

I apologize to all of my friends and family who I try to make plans with but can't follow through because of dance privates.

15. The same goes for "5, 6, 7, 8"

I am so guilty of this one.

16. People ask you if what you do is like what they watch on "Dance Moms"

And you reply with "Sort of, but not exactly"

17. Sometimes you just randomly strike a dance pose.

For me, it has always been , and always will be an arabesque.

18. Your mom is the best dance mom ever, and you dad is the best dance dad ever.

They honestly are, I couldn't do any of this without my wonderful parents and am so thankful that they continue to support me in doing something that I absolutely love.

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