I haven't really been myself lately

If I had to explain the last few months, I'd say I've been going through the motions.

Not exactly living, but just existing.

I'm taking things day by day and just figuring out how to get through every day.

I know it sounds sad, and it is, but don't worry, I'm fine and I'm going to be more than OK.

I think this is just my process of grieving and its how I'm dealing with things.

Every single day is a rollercoaster.

I can have the best day ever, laugh the most I have in years,

And then I go to bed.

I go to bed and lay on my back and look up at the ceiling

And all of the sudden, the tears start flowing.

There's nothing I can do to control it.

But I cry and I cry, and I think about you.

Some nights I finish crying before I fall asleep and other nights I don't.

But no matter if there are tears in my eyes or not, I go to bed with a smile on my face.

I go to bed with a smile on my face because you brought so much joy to not only my life but to so many others.

And you gave me a special type of friendship that I know I can never have again.

I think it sucks because I always say everything happens for a reason

But, I haven't really found the reason for this yet.

Maybe I will someday, I hope so, but right now it just seems so unfair.

And when I say I'm just going through the motions, I really am.

I don't talk about my emotions to a lot of people, because they just don't understand.

And even writing them down on paper feels so weird because I fear the readers won't understand.

So instead I write about meaningless stuff, just to get through the day.

Just to get through the post.

But, I really can't do that.

Because it doesn't matter if others understand or what I think, I have to understand my own emotions.

It's like I don't want to be vulnerable.

I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone but you.

But, you're not here right now.

So, it might be a mess, but I have to be vulnerable to the world.

I have to be vulnerable to the world because if I learned anything that's what life's about.

It's about opening your heart, it's about forgiving others and it's about forgiving yourself.

It's about being yourself unapologetically,

Because you never know when your last chance will be.