Skinny Love
Start writing a post

Skinny Love

"Since neither of us ever said how we felt, out of fear or confusion, I guess this is a short not-in-love story."

Skinny Love

Before I begin, I will say this. My least favorite genre of film is romantic comedy, and one up from that is romance. I find them to be trite, and unrealistically optimistic. I had never been taken on an honest to god date, with a canoe and a dramatic kiss in the rain. The closest I ever came to what they make out love to be is an unhealthy obsession with someone I was never met to be with, or going through the motions with someone who wanted to believe in this Santa Claus of Emotions just as bad as I did. I could never find authenticity, so I resigned myself to believing it just didn't exist, it is a social construct. Just a chemical.

So when I found myself in something that looked, and felt, like the movies, it was unrecognizable. Once I started making poetry in their eyes, I slammed the door shut and locked it because I was afraid I was coming in contact with the real thing. I am not in love, I am not in love. This was my mantra. I cannot speak for them, or how they felt, but I know the few memories we shared together. Since neither of us ever said how we felt, out of fear or confusion, I guess this is a short Not-In-Love story.

You were known for never feeling anything. I didn't believe that. I still don't.

The first time we got together, you brought me what looked like a bouquet of fresh picked asparagus, tied together with rope you made, and a stem of mint leaves tucked into the side. It was more beautiful than any flowers to me. I didn't know it then but you also brought hot tea and two small tea cups for when we would later sit at a wooden table in the cold autumn weather. I would flip through your mushroom book and listen to you play banjo and sing as wind blew through the trees.

On the drive there, you were terrified too, but only of my driving. We listened to blue grass and old rock music. Someone finally knew the songs I knew.

We talked about family, love, and ourselves. Most of the time was silent, though, that would have been terrifying to me. The idea of just being was enough to make me want to run away... at least with anyone else it was. With you, just being was just that. It was enough. I felt relief at not having to entertain someone to keep them around.

I remember looking at your eyes and realizing just how green they are, different than anything I had ever seen. I couldn't look too long. I started to feel something in my chest, like words that wanted to be said but no words were forming in my head, so I picked a flower and put it in your jacket pocket. Somehow that said what I needed to.

When you were leaving I asked what you thought of me because I believe you have wrong opinions of people, that you judge them too quickly. You said I annoyed you less than most people.

Later that night, after we had parted ways, you messaged me saying "You really want to know what I think of you?" I was nervous, thought you were going to tear me apart. You said you were afraid you would fall in love with me, you weren't then, but you were afraid you would. You were afraid of being tied to one person.

That was the first date that was not a date.

Afterward would be outings where we ate produce out of the back of your car, spent a few hours roaming a five story antique store, or laying in a hammock in the woods where I look up and say "why would anyone want anything but this?" Maybe there was a four hour phone call here where you tell me things you say you've never told anyone else, or a different four hour phone call there where I tell you about the wall that keeps me from loving people. Maybe you told me you didn't want me to leave and maybe I told you that you made me want to stay.

I thought we were friends, good friends maybe. Good friends that kissed each other goodbye. The closer we got, the more I wanted to tell you how I felt. You are a free bird, and I never wanted to cage you. I just didn't want to keep walking circles around the elephant in the room, if there was one. I wanted to let what was forming just be.

Maybe all that time, it was just you being nice, or just you being confused. I don't know, but when you started to ignore me, almost out of the blue, it was confusing for me and somehow you still show up everywhere in my world without even being part of my life.

Even though I'm sure I could be spiteful about what happened between us, whatever it was and how it fizzled away, I'm not. I saw you recently, completely on accident, and I was reminded of your freedom and passion and difference from everything around you. You inspire me. You showed me that authenticity can exist. Whatever we were, I know now that I will not settle for less than what I felt all those times I was with you. Maybe it was not love, I don't know what that is, but it made me feel happy and like I could grow in that feeling. You showed me what it feels like when something feels right. To be able to lay face to face with someone and not feel like you are being trapped, to be silent and not feel like you are being judged, to be wanted and not feel like you are being branded, and not having to call someone yours but just enjoy experiencing parts of life with them.

I like to believe, in the far back romantic part of my mind, that we had the potential to fly too close to the sun, and that's why you left. You didn't want either of us to get burned.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments