I loved being in love with you. I loved spending time with you. I would take the blame for everything just so you would stay with me. I would believe you when you would tell me that it was my fault. I believed everything you told me, even when I knew it wasn’t really true. I loved you and you took advantage of it.
I can now see how blinding love can be. Two years ago I fell in love with you not knowing that in the end I would be made to feel that every argument would somehow be my fault. Every time we would end a conversation on a bad note, it would somehow be my fault. Every time we would breakup, it would be my fault. Even when you questioned my sexuality and thought of a plan to force me to “come out” just because you didn’t believe me when I said I was straight, would somehow be my fault. Everything in the end would somehow be my fault, and I always believed you because I loved you. But now, I am fully awake and able to see that it wasn’t always my fault.
You are a dependant person and I am an independent person, that was the main reason we never worked out and I know you know that. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that our arguments were always because of you, but they sure as hell weren’t always because of me, but that is how you made me feel. I always felt the need to apologize even when I did nothing wrong. I couldn’t tell you how I truly felt because you would find a way to make it my fault that I was feeling that way. To me, it seemed that I was always to blame for our problems so you wouldn’t look like the “bad guy.”
It was not fair for you to tell people our problems, but only tell certain parts so I was in the wrong. It was not fair that people I barely talked to, told me how to be a “better boyfriend.” It was not fair that you would tell everyone else how you felt but would not tell me. It was not fair that I believed that it was always my fault. It was not fair for you to tell your family half of the story so that they wouldn’t like me. It was not fair that you had your parent message me and make me believe it was my fault that you thought of some horrible plan that would end in getting you closure. It was not fair for you to tell me it was my fault that you went off and “loved” somebody else after leading me on and reconnecting all of my lost feelings for you to use as “closure.” It was not fair to tell me that I “abuse you over the internet.” Nothing is fair, and I get that, but it was not always my fault.
We’re always told as kids that we need to learn the difference between wanting something and needing something. A high school relationship is most definitely a want and I failed my parents by falling into that trap, even more so by falling in love. Don’t get me wrong, love is such a powerful and amazing thing, but sometimes it will bite you in the ass, especially when in high school and even more so with the wrong person.
It took me two years to realize that love hides the toxicity of others. Two years to realize that I didn’t need to lie to myself to be someone I am not to stay with you. Two years to realize why I loved you, and why I would eventually hate you. Two years of a great friendship, but most importantly, two years to realize that it was not always my fault.
