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Romantic Relationship: A Blank Space in My Life

Crushing on someone is different than being in relationship with someone, so basically even though the stories of my life could be written into a novel, there are still white pages about my experience of romantic relationship.

Romantic Relationship: A Blank Space in My Life
Instagram: @mervekultepe

"Have you had any boyfriend yet?"

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

"Are you really a girl?"

Those are common questions which my relatives, friends or even my mom have often asked me a lot. Sometimes I also feel stressed about this even though I know it is not a big problem in the modern life when women do not need to depend on any men to live. Sometimes I feel I will be ok if I am single in the future, but it is ridiculous that when I look around and see my mom or my friends' love stories, I honestly feel lonely and scare to be alone in the future.

What is love? For me, its definition is a little bit "misty". Well! I have crushed on many people and watched lots of dramas, but I have never got into any relationship. I used to refuse some requests of relationships from some guys because basically I did not have any feelings for them. On the other hand, sometimes I was brave and confessed my feelings to someone, then I was usually refused because I was not his style or simply he was not interested in woman. Otherwise, usually if I crushed on them, I was afraid of confessing, I would keep silent. That's why I must say that I'm not lucky enough to have a boyfriend I want, or a real romantic relationship is as a blank space in my life.

I think my character also significantly affects my judgements of some guys who I have met, which makes my mom sometimes calls me as an "old lady". At the first time when I meet someone, I may be so friendly, but then I can become so shy in few minutes later. I am not confident in any conversations in front of the person who I am interested in because I overthink to many things. Does he think I am weird? Does he want to become friend with me and know more about me?

Furthermore, I think I'm not an interesting person, and I'm so passive. For many people, if they want to have a boyfriend, maybe they can be so active. They will text to their crushes to have hang out, or they can easily ask for cell phone numbers or social media's accounts. However, I'm not a person who can actively do that because I feel uncomfortable; maybe it's too much for him, which makes him ignore me.

I also don't have much experiences how to attract somebody I want to be closer because my real characters seem to be manlier than most of other girls. I'm not sweet, and sometimes I'm so rude because naturally, when I'm growing up, I invisibly tried to create a cover showing that I'm a strong girl, and I can protect myself from men. I don't want to get hurt like my mother because of a man.

When I was in Vietnam, I used to crush on a boy for 10 years, and at the end, I realized that he hated me even though he acted gently to me before. I tried to text him to ask why he was like that, but he has never replied my messages. I also crushed on another boy, but after three months, I didn't know why I had no feelings with him. Maybe I was too young to know how to like and love someone.

Then when I came to U.S., I crushed on a guy even though at the beginning, I just tried to help him and be a normal friend with him because I know for an international student, he would be lonely and have difficulties when living here. However, when I confessed with him, he said that he regretted to be close with him, which didn't make any sense for me. Thus, I just let him go and didn't want to become friend with him anymore because basically he was so callous.

Sometimes I also ask myself whether I'm a lesbian or not because I trust women more than men. Maybe I have read lots of books and watched lots of dramas, I realized that the definition of love for a man may relate to appetency, which makes me feel disgusted. I understand that it's not totally true, but I'm still afraid of. My mom and my relatives always ask me whether I'm gay. I understand that I'm not even though I admire lots of beautiful women, and most of my close friends are female. For me, I still like wearing dresses, having makeup, and I'm still attracted with men. However, I naturally want to be stronger psychologically and physically, and I will be nicer to women than men because they are as flowers which should be protected

Therefore, when it comes to a romantic relationship, I have no idea at all. I admire many of my friends who are in love with other guys. There is a girl who even is in relationship with a boy since they were at the first year in middle school. However, I think I'm also scared of it because I have seen so many women shedding tears because of men such as my mother or my best friends. I'm afraid of getting more scars in my heart, and I also worry that my partner may also get hurt because sometimes I'm careless and thoughtless.

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