The proverbs at the end of every Welcome To Night Vale episode gives us a little insight into life. In a weird way, it can teach us, since of course, we burned down the library, again and again, and again. Sometimes you may think you know how to successfully live your life, but you would be wrong. Very wrong. So here is a collection of proverbs for every moment of your remaining life, that is, if you are not already dead.
1. For when you are feeling down.
Sometimes life puts you down, down into a hole that you just can not seem to get out of. Sometimes that hole is already filled in and you are just clawing your way at the dirt. Sometimes you are the dirt. Be the dirt, or just read these proverbs. Whatever you may think will help you escape.
"Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave." - Ep. 31: A Blinking Light Up On the Mountian
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain." - Ep. 32: Yellow Helicopters
"Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again..." -Ep. 34: A Beautiful Dream
"Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich." - Ep. 42: Numbers
"At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire." - Ep. 44: Cookies
"Dance like the government is watching." - Ep. 84: Past Time
2. For when you need relationship advice.
Ahh, love. Love is a wonderful thing. Did you know when most female spiders are in love they eat their lover? Maybe you should give that a try. That's right. Eat your lover. Show how much you really and truly love them. If that does not work out, maybe look to these proverbs for some advice.
"If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded." Ep. 22: The Whispering Forest
"If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird." - Ep. 46: Parade Day
"There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago, on a night just like tonight." - Ep. 80: A New Sheirff in Town
"You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you'll catch even more with a corpse of some sort." - Ep. 108: Cal
"Follow your heart; you need it. Where did it ever learn to walk?" - Ep. 132: Niecelet
3. For when you need hope.
Hope is what will destroy society. Hope is what will destroy you. Why are you needing hope? Do you want to be destroyed for all eternity? I cannot fathom why you would wish that upon yourself. If that is the case, maybe these proverbs will give you the hope you are searching for.
"Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south." - Ep. 1: Pilot
"Today is the last day of your life up to this point." - Ep 11: Wheat and Wheat By-products
"Biologically speaking, we are all people, made up of smaller people." - Ep.14: The Man in the Tan Jacket
"Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell, man?" - Ep. 51: Rumbling
"When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true, but because of distance, not for millions of years." -Ep. 66: worms..
4. For when you feel lost and confused.
If it is not found, it is lost. Just like that missing sock of yours. You never did find it did you? It won't find you either. It is gone now. Gone forever, and ever and ever and ever and, wait. There is it. It was on your foot all along. Silly you.
"Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?" - Ep. 6: The Drawbridge
"Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about."- Ep. 30: Dana
"Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually." -Ep. 48: Renovations
"There is no proof you exist. Only evidence." - Ep. 111: Summer 2017, Night Vale, USA
5. For when you are hungry.
We had hope that consuming your lover would have satisfied you, but at this point, you can no longer be satisfied. Nothing pleases you anymore. You must consume more because you are more. You are enlightened. You are better. But you are not better than this.
"Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologize." -Ep. 10: Feral Dogs
"Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements." - Ep. 29: Subway
"You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato." - Ep. 71: Review
"If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang. And if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It's a cake gang." - Ep. 78: Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special
"You are what you eat. That's very confusing phrasing; let me simplify: You consume your own flesh. Much clearer." - Ep. 105: What Happened at the Smithwick House
6. For when you are struggling with finding sacrifices...
The time has come. This is what we have been preparing you for. This is your purpose. This is your life now. You never should have started reading this. You never should have turned on your electronic device this morning. You brought this upon yourself. Now go, fulfill your duty.
"You can't get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There's a lot of blood." - Ep. 40: The Deft Bowman
"Get the body you've always wanted. We know where it's buried, and can lend you a shovel." - Ep. 68: Faceless Old Woman
"Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"" - Ep. 74: Trypitch
You are done. You have completed your task to enter adulthood. Now, you are prepared for what you will tackle in life. Tackle life hard, harder than you have done before. I recommend some padding. Just in case you know? I've heard life sometimes gives you lemons. No. Life pelts you with lemons. So, throw them back, harder.