Your list of resolutions for the new year is probably miles long and includes the standard tasks of working out more, eating healthier, sleeping more, saving more money, reducing stress, getting better grades, being kinder to others, the list goes on and on. Big question here, though: did you add “improve sex life” to that list? If you did, way to go, because that addition can help you to cross off a few other things already up there like better sleep, reduced stress, better mood (aka being nicer to others) better grades (through increased focus and memory improvement), and a desire to maintain a healthy body so that you can use it for your own pleasure and share it with someone else.
Now that’s what I call efficiency! It’s no secret that more sex, more satisfying sex, and a more fulfilling sex life is a healthy, I would even go so far as to say crucial, part of total wellness. There are no specific things that define a balanced sex life, nor is there a mold that works for everyone to reach this balance; everyone has different wants, needs, insecurities, and confidences. Yet, there are some things that everyone can do to make 2017 steamy, sensual, and full of gratification!
Resolve to: Explore
The greatest discoveries are made by exploration, and this applies to our sex lives and sexuality just as much as does anything else. This year, take a chance and explore yourself! Reflect on your desires, things you want to try, things you’re not comfortable with, and things that get you going. If you take the time to explore what you want, it becomes much easier to open up to someone else and have them be able to do so with you. On the same note… explore your body! Resolve to get to know your body inside and out, what feels good, what doesn’t, what features you absolutely love about yourself, what flaws make you uniquely so, and all of the feelings and pleasures your body has the potential to experience.
Ladies, I am of course looking at y’all a little more when I say this, but loving your body and its amazing ability to feel good (during sex especially) is something everyone can and should appreciate! The body and the mind are one, and getting them to interact through reflecting on desires and using the body to make them real is when the magic of sex happens (let’s give a yes please to that)! What’s more, if you know some of your own fantasies, and have an idea of some sultry activities you what to give a go, next time your bedroom buddy asks “what do you want to do?” you’re going to have a damn good answer and an even better time exploring together.
So… explore other people too! Talk with them about things they like, are curious about and are afraid of. This is a great way to bond… and you never know, maybe you’ll find the perfect someone who is into the same things you are and is not crazy about the same things, too! Exploring different people, or yourself through other people, is exciting and a great way to gain experience getting comfortable with others, and getting comfortable with yourself.
Each experience becomes less awkward, and less awkwardness=more pleasure for everyone involved. Whether this is through conversations, hooking up, dating, online chatting, whatever it may be, get out there and adventure with all of the other amazing (and ahem, attractive) people in the world. May 2017 be your year to get to really know your partner or to be single and ready to pringle, mingle, and EXPLORE! What you’ll learn about yourself and your sexuality on your own and with other people is incredibly valuable!
Resolve to: Communicate
This is a big one in every part of life… but communicating in the bedroom, albeit tricky sometimes, is ridiculously important! Now, this doesn’t have to mean a long, uncomfortable sex conversation with a partner where you sit down and stare each other in the eyes and talk about your most deeply buried fantasies, your sex pet peeves, and the things that turn you on beyond belief, (if that’s your style go for it, that sounds intense and rather passionate and could be a whole new form of foreplay!) it can be as inconspicuous as body language or a little dirty talk. Asking for what you want in bed is essential for mutual pleasing purposes and a double big finish!
It’s like playing football, hockey, soccer, basketball, basically any sport: if you don’t have a game plan, if you don’t ask questions about the plays and give the team a rundown of what you want from them, and what they expect from you, it’s pretty damn hard to score! Part of cataloging your own sex playbook happens in Resolution 1 when you explore what you want, but putting it into action happens with communication whether it’s pregame, play by play, or post game.
Turning talk into action can be a cheeky little game in itself: follow some sultry kisses with the open question “what do you want me to do to you?” whispered ever so gently in your partner's ear… and boom! Conversation has been started. Throw in some dirty talk here, a little seductive speak there, and you’re on the way to some amazing new places! If you’d rather tell then ask, the same game applies: let the mood get heavy, and work into the “oh baby, I want you to…” etcetera, you fill in the blanks! This open-ended conversational structure allows for everyone to be involved and for the conversation to lead some real good satisfaction.
Other forms of communication if talking really isn’t your thing? Never underestimate the power of eyes. Gentle body language can be an effective way to communicate. There is a fine line here between communication and coercion, but when done conscientiously and respectfully with both parties enthusiastic participation, a hand placed ever so carefully somewhere or a little guiding this way, a little nudge that way, can go a hell of a long way. Want to set up the sexy scene before it happens? Hello sexting! If you find it might be easier to write what you want to say, sending a quick flirty-dirty text can clue in your cutie to exactly what you want to go down when you meet up. Texting is great for two-way communication (or multi-way, why not throw it in a group chat if that’s your thing) and makes it a little easier sometimes to say what’s really on your mind. If you’re feeling bold sneak in some slinky pics, and let the conversation begin!
Communication is one of those easier said than done type of things, but even by practicing it in day-to-day tasks can make it easier to talk confidently in a sexual encounter. However you find is the best way for you to say what’s on your mind so you can eventually get to doing it, take the chance and say what you need to say! It’s a lot less awkward to have the conversation and then have some mind-blowing sex, then to stay silent and leave unsatisfied…. and have to see your mediocre hook-up buddy walking around town the next day. Yikes. Just go for the chit chat and get to sexy talkin' beauties!
Resolve to: Consent
This one seems rather simple, but it is deceivingly dynamic. There are a plethora of ways to give consent, receive consent, ask for it, and offer it. The most important factor of consent is that it is consistent, enthusiastic, and honest! So beyond that, I know I have said “yes” to things I haven’t been all that enthused to engage in, many of us have, whether out of fear of rejection, of disappointment, the reasons are numerous. Nowhere in that type of consent is enthusiasm, and that’s just no fun for anyone, really. Resolving to consent wholeheartedly and enthusiastically will pump up your partner(s) and get you amped up for whatever sort of saucy scene is about to unfold.
And what about when we don’t really feel like doing what someone asks, even if we don’t have a valid reason for being against it? Just don’t! It’s not fun to do things you’re not jazzed about, and the person receiving probably isn't enjoying it either simply because you’re not! Enthusiastic consent is about more than just making sure everyone is okay with what is happening, which is of course of utmost importance, but throwing in some zeal will fire up everyone and get more “yes’s” out of every sexual experience.
In addition, one of the most powerful thing we can do for our sex lives is consent to yourself! Might seem strange, but imagine if you said “hell yes!” to yourself when you looked in the mirror wondering if you should wear that shirt, or when you were considering whether or not to get the large cup of your favorite ice cream, or whether or not to ask your partner to do that kind of weird but also awesomely hot thing you love… wouldn’t that be a fruitful existence?
In saying “yes” to ourselves, and really meaning it, we are then able to open up and share ourselves emotionally, socially, physically, and sexually with other people and say “yes” to them too. A “yes” to ourselves, is a yes to a life full of self-love, self-appreciation, and all of the feelings of pleasures that accompany them.
So in review, the three big themes of Resolutions for 2017 are explore, communicate, and consent; these are obviously applicable to the realm of our sexual endeavors, but they also translate into many other facets of our lives as well. They are things that day-to-day can lead us to greater sexual satisfaction (and who doesn’t want that!) and greater fulfillment in life in general.
I realized that I wrote this article as if I am some kind of sex-pert, which is incredibly far from the truth ( I borrowed lots of this info from the multitude of Cosmo articles I’ve read over the years, and they’re sex-perts for sure)… basically, this was the inner workings of my brain telling myself the things that I need to consciously implement into my 2017 and explaining to myself just why they’re important… and they ended up spilling out of my head onto the page for the percipience of the world wide web. And, I suppose, I hope that something here will inspire someone to chase all the pleasure they deserve in the coming year and see all the value in their own fulfillment.
So, I’m going to get back to my contemplative beach bumming here in Mexico and get my brain organized for all the sexiness to come… well, after I finish this margarita and waste the afternoon doing absolutely nothing but soaking sun, and saying “hell yes” to the whole damn day of it. Happy new years amigos, may it be spicy, sexy, and oh-so-satisfying!
xoxo- Abby
