On April 10th, the premiere of the final (albeit mini) season of the sitcom “New Girl” airs on FOX at 9:30 p.m. This show is literally my “Friends.” “The Rachel” to nineties young adults is Jess’s perfect curls and fringe to me. I’ll admit to trying to channel a little of my favorite middle school teacher in my daily life senior year of high school, and even now. I fell head over heels for each zany resident of the loft. I’ve been re-watching the show to mentally prep to having to say goodbye, and I’ve collected my personal bests and worsts of the show so far.
The Lows
5. Everytime Winston got dumped
Winston L. Bishop is truly just too pure for this world. He’s incredibly sweet and thoughtful and any girl would be lucky to have him. Each time he got dumped, you could just tick off another girl who simply couldn’t appreciate the good she had in front of her. Winston finally finding his soulmate in Aly was the highlight of season 6.
4. AssStrat’s treatment of Schmidt
Schmidt is incredibly ambitious and hardworking, his major weight loss alone proves that. But being the only man at his office made him the butt of nearly every office joke and rampant misandry. Not to mention his co-workers having him dress as a sexy something every holiday. He’s the dream employee, and they stomped all over him.
3. Fawn Moscato
See entry 5. If Schmidt shouldn’t take crap from his co-workers, he certainly shouldn’t take it from a “sig oth.” Fawn as a character was great. She was bold and powerful and, yes, power really does emanate from the vagina. She epitomizes badass girl-power. But she was a God-awful girlfriend.
Not to mention that she was anti-semitic (“Has anyone ever told you that you look like a Jewish Kennedy? I hope not, because that would be offensive.”) She only cared for Schmidt as a photo-op and piece of arm candy.
2. Schmidt’s pure fetishization of Cece
Yes, they’re soulmates. Yes, they have one of the most epic love stories ever and I bawled like a baby when they got married at the close of Season Five. But Schmidt’s overt sexualization of Cece and her Indian culture is downright offensive and makes me uncomfortable.
He wanted to have sex with her wearing a sari to fulfill his fantasies (Slum Doggystyle Millionaire to name one), he had a nervous breakdown when Cece wanted a breast reduction, and even confused her for Native American on Thanksgiving. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I love them, honestly, I do, but he was/is creepy and his treatment of Cece wouldn’t fly off a TV set.
1. Reagan
Nope. Nopitynopenope. I’m glad they didn’t replace Jess with another bubbly polka-dot rocker to fill the void, but Reagan was the WORST. I was bored with her the whole time. She was dry and bland and didn’t have that warmth the rest of the main cast has, making her feel out of place on the show.
The Highs
5. “Virgins” (S2, E23)
In this episode, we see a lot of the crew as awkward high school and college students as they recall their first times. They were just as clumsy, awkward and oafish back then as they are in the present because adults are still constantly growing and changing.
4. Nick finally becoming a published author
Nick is pretty happy-go-lucky, but seeing him have a passion project like his writing was refreshing. And nothing was more satisfying than “The Pepperwood Chronicles” being not only published but a major hit. Special shout-out to the fact that it’s based on one of Nick’s old antics to save Jess as Julius Pepper and not-so-subtly features his soulmate as “Jess Night”.
3. “Prince” (S3, E14)
Okay, this episode is the bomb. One, because Prince was so rarely on TV that to have him want to be on your show must have made the cast and crew feel invincible. And two, because the episode is such a major turning point for Nick and Jess as they profess their love for each other.
And besides, being a fan of the same things as Prince makes me feel like I have awesome taste.
2. True American
“Abe Lincoln, George Washington, cherry tree!!’”
Playing this crazy game that’s best described by Winston as “90% drinking [with] a loose Candy Land-like structure to it” is definitely on my bucket list. It just looks like pure fun and nonsense. The show’s rules are vague and non-playable, but some kind soul on the Internet made their own playable rules! Drink on my friends and remember: “'The only thing we have to fear is' … 'FEAR ITSELF!'”
1. Everytime Nick (and I guess the other guys, too) stepped up to the plate when a crappy guy disappointed Jess
Just like Winston, Nick is just too pure and good for this world. Especially when it comes to Jess. Every time she creates a new standard for her next partner, Nick steps up to it whether he realizes it or not. After knowing her hardly a week in the pilot he rescued her from a ditched date and has been doing so ever since. Even during the sad three years they weren’t dating, Jess was still his number one girl.
Once again, the beginning of the end of “New Girl” airs Tuesday, April 10th at 9:30 p.m. Excuse me as I sit on my couch with tissues and popcorn rewatching the show until then.
