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12 Reasons To Never Start Watching "The X-Files"

The search for the truth will consume your life.

Julia Cooper

May 02, 2016

Colgate University

3604

12 Reasons To Never Start Watching "The X-Files"

Little Big Network

At the beginning of this semester, when deciding what show I would watch during my free time, I made the horrible mistake of beginning "The X-Files" at the recommendation of a so-called friend. Now, as finals week rapidly approaches, I feel nothing but regret as I have hardly made a dent in this show that has completely taken over my life.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love "The X-Files." But watching this show may be slowly and steadily destroying my life.

If you're thinking about starting "The X-Files," which I can only warn you of this decision's repercussions, the following list will not contain any spoilers as I am still only half-way through the third season because time is a social construct propagated by the government to keep us from getting to the truth.

1. The episodes are super long.

When you realize how much time you've wasted watching this show

Each episode of "The X-Files" comes in at just under 45 minutes. In theory, this isn't terribly long, but when in the throws of a binge watch, it can chew away at the free hours in your day with ferocity.

2. The seasons are super long.

Me before I got sucked into "The X-Files"

Each season has at least 20 episodes. To complete an entire season you have to watch 15 hours of "The X-Files." For comparison, you can watch the entire second season of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" in under seven hours.

3. There are approximately a hundred seasons.

By that I mean there are nine seasons, with a tenth currently airing on Fox and an eleventh in the works.

4. You will always get sucked into a two-part "to be continued" episode whenever you definitely don't have time for it.

Me after accidentally watching 127 hours of X-Files instead of studying for finals

"I'm just going to finish up the last episode of season two before I start this paper." #regrets

5. The sexual tension between Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully will frustrate you to no end.

I ship it. You ship it. We all ship it.

6. You will be in constant fear for the main characters' lives.

You know they have to survive because they have a thousand more episodes to star in, but Mulder and Scully always seem to be on the cusp of death.

7. You will be in constant fear for you own life.

You think locking your doors and windows will keep you safe? That's cute.

8. You will start believing every elaborate conspiracy theory out there.

Not even Beyoncé's "Formation" will stop me from buying into that Illuminati mess.

9. You will always be torn between siding with Scully's impenetrable skepticism and Mulder's ~spooky~ theories.

10. You will lose whatever amount of trust you still have in the federal government.

WHY ARE THEY HIDING THE TRUTH FROM US?

11. You will lose whatever amount of trust you still have in the people around you.

They're all probably aliens. Or serial killers. Or both

12. You will definitely not be able to stop watching "The X-Files" until Mulder and Scully finally uncover the truth that we all know is out there.

And you will love every second of it.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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12 Reasons To Never Start Watching "The X-Files"

The search for the truth will consume your life.

1. The episodes are super long.

2. The seasons are super long.

3. There are approximately a hundred seasons.

4. You will always get sucked into a two-part "to be continued" episode whenever you definitely don't have time for it.

5. The sexual tension between Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully will frustrate you to no end.

6. You will be in constant fear for the main characters' lives.

7. You will be in constant fear for you own life.

8. You will start believing every elaborate conspiracy theory out there.

9. You will always be torn between siding with Scully's impenetrable skepticism and Mulder's ~spooky~ theories.

10. You will lose whatever amount of trust you still have in the federal government.

11. You will lose whatever amount of trust you still have in the people around you.

12. You will definitely not be able to stop watching "The X-Files" until Mulder and Scully finally uncover the truth that we all know is out there.

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No one best represents the struggle like our favorite 90s squad.

1. When course schedules are released and you have a conflict between two required classes.

2. When there is only one section of a popular course.

3. Receiving the 18,000 emails reminding you to register ASAP.

4. When you need to see an advisor, but they are too busy/unresponsive.

5. Trying not to dress like a bum for your appointments with your advisors/department heads.

6. When you have a perfectly planned out schedule, and one class ruins it.

7. Carefully moving things around to accommodate a different class/section.

8. Waking up at 6:00 a.m. for your enrollment time.

9. Concocting a new schedule at your enrollment time after your original plan gets changed.

10. Getting into a class and filling the last available seat.

11. When all of your classes finally go through.

12. Realizing that you forgot a class that was a pre-requisite for everything else.

When your capability of "adulting" is put to the test

Nobody deserves to be living in poverty.

"Nobody living in one of the most influential nations in the world should be worried about making ends meet."

What is the current minimum wage at the federal level?

What are the benefits of raising the minimum wage?

What are the states that have set a $15/hour minimum wage?

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Because who understands your bitterness better than April?

1. When you have to provide an "interesting fact" for your first day ice-breaker.

2. When your professor is babbling on and on in his lecture.

3. When you edit your friend's paper and they get an A.

4. When it's 2 AM and you remember you have a test tomorrow.

5. When you finish taking the test and you're pretty sure you failed...

6. ...but then you get the test back and somehow passed.

7. When you've been up for 12 hours straight writing a paper.

8. And then you manage to stay awake in class the next day.

9. When you have to butter up your professor for an extra credit opportunity.

10. When you're assigned a group project.

11. And your group-mates are trying to chat about life instead of the assignment.

12. When it's your last class of the day and you're about to go home.

13. But then you remember rent is due tonight and the anger comes back.

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