“Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers, the belong to the bye and bye … Seen my star of broken halos, folded wings that use to fly. They’ve all gone wherever they go … broken halos that used to shine.” - Chris Stapleton.
I know that you will never be able to physically read this, but I hope somehow these words will reach you. First I wanna tell you that I love you so much, and my life will never be the same. There are so many things that I miss about you.
I am starting to come to the realization that my life will never be the same. I miss so many things. I miss emailing you through the week, and telling fun stories about work. I miss talking to you on the phone while you where at the beach, talking about it being so cold do there, and just laughing because you knew how cold it was here. I miss coming and seeing you when you where home, and taking you to the store every weekend. I miss eating dinner and trying to make sure that you had everything you needed before sitting down at the table. I miss sitting and watching a Tiger’s game. I miss listening to country music and talking politics.
There are so many things about our relationship that are just so hard to part with. However, even though you are not here physically, I feel you with me all over.
There have been many times that I get in the car, and turn on a country station and the song we played at your funeral will come on. I know this is you. You telling me that you are with me, I know that you are up there keeping me safe. Although, I know that you will keep us all safe, and under your watch. However, it won’t be enough. I will never be okay with you not being here.
I know that our relationship has been through its ups and downs. There is a lot of guilt. I missed a lot of time with you, because I had a lot of pride. I want you to know that this has been a huge life lesson. I will never do that again. There is so much time that I missed with you, so many holidays, birthdays, and family time that I have missed. I am so sorry for anything that I did that hurt you. I am more sorry that I could not tell you that. However, somehow I think that you knew that I was sorry.
There are so many memories that I hold so dear. Climbing into bed with you and poppy when I was scared. Hanging out in the hot tub. Summer nights at the ball park. Trips to North Carolina and the beach. Going to the Board Office to visit you, or watching you cook in the kitchen. I would do anything to have these times back, and when I think about these times I smile, but I also tear up a little thinking about everything that you are going to miss…
One thing that I know is true is life is never going to be the same without you. I will never just be able to call you. That realization has become something that I am seeing to be true. The other day, I picked up the phone to give you a call, I needed to tell you that I got an A on my test. Then it dawned on me that I couldn’t just call you. I just wanted to here your voice, I just needed to hear your voice but I couldn’t, I couldn’t just tell you about my day, and I couldn’t tell you how well I am doing in school. I know, I know that you are in a better place. It doesn’t change the fact that I would do anything, anything to see your face. To have a conversation with you. To have you here with me.
Lastly, I want to thank you. There are many things that I wish I could have done differently. The past cannot be changed, however, you never made me feel bad about that. I hope you know how much I love you. I know that I did not do a very good job in the last few years of showing you that, but I did love you and our family more than anything. Thank you for showing me how fantastic how to love, laugh, and live.
There will never be a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I will do everything that I can to make you proud, and that I will help make sure poppy is taking care of.
Fly high my guardian angel …