With the pressure of the big decision looming over their heads for the last twelve months or so, America's undecided voters finally went with what they always knew was the right choice: the Chicken Parmesan.
The dinner-goers who had already pledged to a menu item were overjoyed with happiness when they heard the results from the far-end of the table: that the food was on its way. "For a while there, I didn't think I would ever eat again," said Ryan Willis, manager of a corporate firm downtown. "But when my buddy Rico finally told me that he was going to order the Chicken Parmesan, I knew that it was worth the wait."
About a month or so ago, it seemed like the undecided were getting close to a selection. However, just as the waiter was making his way over, a debate sparked up. A loud voice from the head of the table suddenly declared that Eggplant Parmesan might, in fact, be the best candidate to satisfy their hunger. Tensions rose, leading to two more debates that didn't cover anything new but still seemed pretty important at the time. Nonetheless, it is all over now.
"I was actually thinking about getting a burger when I first came in," reported Sophie Landson, a friend of that guy from accounting. "But then everyone kept saying 'Parmesan this!' and 'Parmesan that!' and I knew right then that I only had two options, and they both sucked. I ended up just going with the one that sucked less."
Some undecided voters, however, did try to order something that wasn't Parmesan. They were quickly shut down.
"I was not wavering one bit," said stubborn bartender George Snyder. "My first choice was the rib-eye steak, and even though it lost pretty early, I voted for it anyway." At press time, Snyder still believed that his third-menu candidate would win.
So what is America going to do with its Chicken Parm?
"I'm going to be pissed about this for the next four years," said local racist Thomas Conway. "I put my heart and soul into that Eggplant Parmesan, and somehow it didn't win. It almost seems as if this whole dinner is ri--" Due to my association with the public media, I cannot disclose the rest of Mr. Conway's interview.
Even from the chef's perspective, this was the most historic dinner selection of all time. "This is actually the first time we've used a hen instead of a rooster for the Chicken Parm," reported head chef Suzanne Gladstone. "They both taste the same, but after the dinner there were plenty of people who were saying, you know, 'That hen didn't taste right.' They even changed the item on the menu from 'cooked hen' to 'crooked hen.' Not sure what they were trying to accomplish with that."
This report is approved and sponsored by Chicken Parmesan.
