This article is a parody of renowned food critic Pete Wells's review on Guy Fieri's Kitchen and Bar in Times Square.
To the National School Lunch Program,
Have you eaten one of your own school lunches? Have you stood in a lunch line for half a period just to obtain a greasy, black Styrofoam tray? Did you also get shoved 14 times as dozens of self-centered adolescents elbowed themselves in front of you? Were you even able to get the lunch? I sure hope they didn’t sell out before you arrived.
Were you satisfied with the meal after all the trouble you went through to purchase it? Did your so-called “nutritious” meal “appeal” to you as your website promised it would?
Was your soul still attached to your body when your eyes laid on the three rubbery, measly chicken nuggets that you call a meal? Were you also impressed by the amount of air pockets there were between the soggy breaded crust and the elastic, dandruff-colored interior of the nugget?
Are you excited for the new “healthier generation of children” that emerge from eating your graying mashed potatoes that taste suspiciously like moist sawdust dipped in flavorless brown juice? Did you also recoil at the taste of the limp rubber bands that the lunch lady told you were french fries? Did your tater tots also just come back from from sitting front row at SeaWorld?
Is that melted, neon-yellow plastic on your nachos supposed to represent cheese? Is the browning of your spoiled lettuce supposed to be an exotic burst of flavor that your other tasteless dishes fail to produce? Were you satisfied with the unidentifiable, shapeless lump that you attempted the hide the ghastliness of with a clumpy brown dressing? Was that what you call a “salisbury steak?"
Is this really “what’s right for children’s health?"
From, a Gagging High Schooler