The last couple of years of my young adulthood have placed me through the wringer to put it lightly, and the sentence that most historically follows that one is "I have learned..." However, I suffice to say I haven't. I suppose one day this grand lesson of what this all means and why I'm being placed in this position will become clear, that or I will go insane but the latter sounds a lot easier than former because then I wouldn't be held accountable for the imminent shattering of my worldview because of the learned lesson.
When I was 17, barely an adult but you start to do adult-like things so I consider myself on the path to being on anyway, I had to deal with the enormous task of choosing a college, university, or job (it should be noted that the military was never an option, which if someone knew anything about me I would've had to be dreaming to induct myself into that nightmare) that would lead to the direction my life would go. I definitely didn't want to work, because then I would have to drive and I value other's lives even though I may seem misanthropic. College was a definite option, but my bougie taste inclined me towards private liberal arts institutions, but why in the world would I pay for art lessons at 1,000 dollars a pop? So, university is what I landed on, which is not as ideal as everyone seems to make it out.
So, I was 18 and in college and hopeful, for the most part, even though I didn't get to go where I really wanted to go, didn't have any immediate friends with me, or even have a car to go back home if I wanted. Nevertheless, I make friends, not many but I make them, then I lose those friends not in a huge fight but in one of those silent fading ways. After I lost more friends from high school that didn't keep in touch. I thought I was in love for a brief period, but that's a thing to be reciprocated and the situationship was not a mutual endeavor.
Now I'm 19, disillusioned and a bit sad. Of course, my issues now are more psychological than physical I've been told if people were in my position they wouldn't squander it the way that I do, this is possibly the biggest issue I have right now. What is the point of my situation being more painful if it doesn't have to be if this isn't my time why am I so hurt by empty time? I am told that it will get better, it just takes time, you'll find the way someday, but I can't shake the unpleasant feeling that it won't. The feeling that there is no better, and that I have exhausted all the opportunities I was given.
This is not the first time I've written on this topic, in fact, it may be my favorite thing to write about (being lost). My 20th birthday is around the corner and I'm sure if my 20's are anything like my late teen years then I'll just accept that this is the way things are meant.