I've never been the one to talk about my religious preferences or to preach about my faith. I prefer to keep my opinions to myself to avoid shoving religion into people's faces. However, recently I have felt the need to share why I struggle with my faith.
Growing up, I went to a private Catholic school for 8 years, and then I went to a public high school. Since I went to a Catholic school, a lot of people expected me to have amazing faith and to be super religious. Honestly, that's not how it was for me. I loved my small school, but taking religion classes became more of a chore for me than actually digging deeper into my faith. I would read the Bible and memorize prayers simply for a good grade. My school had us go to mass every Friday morning, so I began to argue against going on Sundays. I went to an excellent school, and I knew their intentions were good, but I did struggle with my faith even at a young age. .
In my short 20 years of being alive, I have been through a lot. High school was difficult for me. I had a lot of ups and downs. The middle to end of my senior year, I was in a very dark place. Looking back on it, I noticed that I only talked to God when I needed something from him. I became that one "friend" we all know of that only talks to you when they need something or when it's convenient for them. I blamed God for all of the bad things that were happening to me. I was angry and confused, and I needed someone to blame to relieve myself of those feelings. I thought to myself, "If God really loved me, He would not be putting me through this." I also never talked to God to thank him for all of the wonderful things I had been given. I had a supportive and loving family, I had recently begun a wonderful relationship with someone, I was going off to college to pursue my dreams and not once did I ever thank God for that. I was literally being a horrible friend to God.
Then one day something changed. I don't know when or how, but I remember thinking, "God has a plan for me and these incidents are just speed bumps along the way. They're preparing me to be stronger than I ever thought possible." Something inside of me just clicked. I wasn't angry anymore. Instead, I began praying a lot. I began looking up Bible verses that went with what I was dealing with at the moment. I took those verses and I wrote them down, and pretty soon I had a little book full of verses. I made a Pinterest board dedicated to my favorite verses and sayings, and when I'm feeling down or stressed, I'll go look at them. I began to think of three things I was thankful for each day, and every night before I go to sleep, I thank God for them. I also stopped praying for myself. I prayed for people who have hurt me, and I prayed for the people going through similar things I was going through. When I stopped praying for myself, I discovered that my faith had grown. I cared more about some individuals than I did myself, and that was a huge step for me.
My faith took years to build, and I'm still building it now. I can't say that I'm still not struggling with it because I am. In a way, all Christians are. You just have to find what makes you and God click, and once you do, it's truly amazing how much better you'll feel about yourself and hard situations.
