I'm Scared I Will Not Be Enough For My Sister

My Sister Is My Biggest Fan And I'm Afraid To Let Her Down

I never realized being a big sister was something you could fail and ever since I have it is my biggest fear.

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Being only two years younger than my older sister gave me a false perception of what it means to be a big sister. For my and my older sister, Alexis, it meant we would be best friends, do everything together, and fight over something stupid to only make up 5 minutes later. This was the case, but having a sister 8 years younger than me was a whole new level of being a big sister.

Right now my younger sister, Jillian, is 10. In the previous year I coached her in gymnastics. We had a fun time and I knew it was something she really loved doing. At practices I would watch her push herself even if she didn't feel like it just to impress me. I watched her, but it took me a long time to realize she was watching me as well.

There came a point in her life where she saw what she wanted to be inside of me. Not realizing this as a young teen i pushed ehr away. I saw it as annoying, but this was certainly not the case.

After going into high school I came to the realization that she looked up to me. She saw me as a special person in her life. I never saw myself as anyone special just her sister.

I remember being her age and thinking the older kids that sat on the back of the bus were the coolest people in the world. I idolized them like celebrities. I would try and match the things they did, they way they talked, or something the clothing they wore. I don't remember what age I was when I stopped, but I do remember realizing these people aren't special and some of them actually suck. It was a sad realization, but it was something that I believed came with growing up.

Recently Jillian expressed that she no longer wanted to do gymnastics. When my older sister brought this up to me I saw Jillian's face. It was the face you make when someone accidentally spoils a surprise party. You know it would get out eventually, but you just wish that person didn't know. On the inside I was a little bit sad, because it was something we shared, but I knew that her heart wasn't in it anymore. I encouraged her to try other sports and even offered to help. In this moment I knew she was scared of disappointing me, but I also realized I would have easily disappointed her if I were upset.

The way I interact with her has a huge impact on her life, especially with the huge age gap. My biggest fear is that she will get older and realize I am average. I haven't done anything special in my life where she should see me as someone as relevant as God. I am just a normal human being like everyone else. I don't want her to see that. I don't know what to do about it either. She has to grow up one day. Many decisions that I have made in my life reflect my feelings towards her. If she were to find out I made a bad decision it would crush her.

I try my best to be the best version of myself in hopes that it won't disappoint her, but it's not as easy as it seems. She is maturing and growing up faster than I can move. If I could freeze time and come up with things that I knew I would admire when I was her age I would do it in a heart beat.

For now, I will continue to be my best self. I will be her biggest fan no matter what she does. I feel extremely happy to know that she will always have my back and I can only hope that I will continue to be one of her idols until the day I die.

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On June 22nd I Celebrated My 22nd

*Insert cliche Taylor Swift song "22"*

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It's about time I turn 22. I've been told that after your 21st birthday, the years begin to fly past you in a blur. I don't know if I agree, but I can definitely say that I don't feel 22. Sometimes I look around at all the people who are freshmen in college, or juniors in high school, and I begin to reminisce about when I was their age. One thing getting older does do is make you a skeptical, cynical person.

I've thought a lot about my birthday as another day that I get to eat cake because let's face it, I'm not really here for anything else, except maybe a shot. I remember celebrating my birthday when I was younger was much different from what it turned into after I turned 20. Back in the day, I would celebrate my birthday with a pool party. Pizza, chips, cake, and soda. A few balloons and candles and that was it. I'd only invite my closest friends and we'd have so much fun.

I miss that kind of birthday. The kind you pick out an outfit for days prior, the kind you get so excited for and can't sleep, the kind that makes you feel special. It doesn't feel like that anymore. What it feels like now is, "welp, there goes another year." This line is also applicable to New Year's Eve, but we'll cross that bridge six months from now.

My birthday is pretty uneventful. It feels like the spark is gone, the excitement is gone. I wish I could feel happy that I'm turning 22, but I also know that it's just a reality that we all get older and things like birthdays begin to feel strange. You're faced to realize that you're supposed to have gained another year of experience and intelligence in the aspects of life, but it's almost like you feel the same.

It's safe to say that this has been a bit of an existential-crisis-themed birthday, but I'm just a little scared of getting older. I think we all reach a point where you realize you aren't invincible anymore. It's time to see what's in store for the future, what your career goals are, where you plan to move to after graduation, how to eat better, and how to feel like you've reached your full potential. It's a bittersweet moment in my life, but I'm ready to see what's next.

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Poetry On Odyssey: The Light That Is Manhattan

A poem about anticipation.

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Almost there.

The subway station is cold and narrow

But the staircase is just ahead.

No more corners, maps, or the like,

Just the light at the top of the stairs.


They say this city is filled with dreams.

Desires that may not even exist yet.

Dreams that have yet to be achieved,

or so the glow in front of me says.


The wonder builds as the ambiguous light at the top of the

Subway station stairs get brighter.

These steps are a two way street of

Excitement up

Fulfillment down.


May this light soon turn into

Roaring streets

Calm corners

Tranquil parks, and

dreams obtained.


The bright light I see in front of me is the glow of the city.

32 steps and I'm home.

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