Being only two years younger than my older sister gave me a false perception of what it means to be a big sister. For my and my older sister, Alexis, it meant we would be best friends, do everything together, and fight over something stupid to only make up 5 minutes later. This was the case, but having a sister 8 years younger than me was a whole new level of being a big sister.
Right now my younger sister, Jillian, is 10. In the previous year I coached her in gymnastics. We had a fun time and I knew it was something she really loved doing. At practices I would watch her push herself even if she didn't feel like it just to impress me. I watched her, but it took me a long time to realize she was watching me as well.
There came a point in her life where she saw what she wanted to be inside of me. Not realizing this as a young teen i pushed ehr away. I saw it as annoying, but this was certainly not the case.
After going into high school I came to the realization that she looked up to me. She saw me as a special person in her life. I never saw myself as anyone special just her sister.
I remember being her age and thinking the older kids that sat on the back of the bus were the coolest people in the world. I idolized them like celebrities. I would try and match the things they did, they way they talked, or something the clothing they wore. I don't remember what age I was when I stopped, but I do remember realizing these people aren't special and some of them actually suck. It was a sad realization, but it was something that I believed came with growing up.
Recently Jillian expressed that she no longer wanted to do gymnastics. When my older sister brought this up to me I saw Jillian's face. It was the face you make when someone accidentally spoils a surprise party. You know it would get out eventually, but you just wish that person didn't know. On the inside I was a little bit sad, because it was something we shared, but I knew that her heart wasn't in it anymore. I encouraged her to try other sports and even offered to help. In this moment I knew she was scared of disappointing me, but I also realized I would have easily disappointed her if I were upset.
The way I interact with her has a huge impact on her life, especially with the huge age gap. My biggest fear is that she will get older and realize I am average. I haven't done anything special in my life where she should see me as someone as relevant as God. I am just a normal human being like everyone else. I don't want her to see that. I don't know what to do about it either. She has to grow up one day. Many decisions that I have made in my life reflect my feelings towards her. If she were to find out I made a bad decision it would crush her.
I try my best to be the best version of myself in hopes that it won't disappoint her, but it's not as easy as it seems. She is maturing and growing up faster than I can move. If I could freeze time and come up with things that I knew I would admire when I was her age I would do it in a heart beat.
For now, I will continue to be my best self. I will be her biggest fan no matter what she does. I feel extremely happy to know that she will always have my back and I can only hope that I will continue to be one of her idols until the day I die.
