The mirror is my worst friend. Outfit changes on outfit changes and I still resort to leggings and a tee most of the time. Confidence isn't something that comes easy for me. I know it is a simple fix... just go to the gym!!! Yet, I am never motivated enough. I am the kind of person who can do it if I want it bad enough. I know that I can easily be comfortable in my skin with effort and dedication, anyone can really.
I am in a bikini A LOT. I practically go to the Florida Keys every other week. If I miss the Keys, I go to the beach. This means boating, swimming, and A LOT of pictures with my friends. I watch as they effortlessly take the most stunning pictures and I shame myself in my head. It is something I need to work on. I don't really center my life on taking pictures, but I love looking back and recalling a moment in my camera roll. The pictures of the beautiful memories that I'll never post because of my not-so-beautiful appearance. Places I've gone, people I've met, and experiences that run through my head as I type this were slightly ruined by my confidence.
I was watching a Youtube video with Billie Eilish, she said "[Sadness] is a waste of time. It's ruined so many things that could have been amazing. Because I was sad." I have always felt that way with my self-image, if I just did not care one single bit about how I looked or if I appeared "fat" at all I would have not ruined so many things for myself. We become obsessive over these little things, yet we don't realize that only we can see them.
For the girl reading this: STOP CARING SO MUCH! It will eat you alive and turn you into someone who is not you. Imagine the moments, the nights filled with laughter, and the days filled with sun and sand that can all be days you looked back on and say, "I loved that moment" without criticizing who YOU are. Laugh when you want, love when you want, and wear a damn crop top when you want. People will love you for you, and if they don't you found the wrong people. We are young and we deserve to love ourselves how we want others to love us.
I am jealous of the girls who walk with their hands on their sides, not wrapped around their stomachs. I tend to block out what I hate, and for me, it's my stomach. I always tell my friends, "if I could just sit on the beach and not have a roll that would be great." I haven't weighed myself in months, I don't like seeing numbers. I judge based on how I feel and how I look in certain clothes.
Now I used to be crazy. I would cut what I would eat to a whole, I had a calorie counter and used to absolutely hate myself if I ate something I shouldn't have. That is over and done with now. I don't obsess over my weight, I don't punish myself, and I don't have an app that counts the calories I have left for the day. I have improved a little (but a lot) in my self-image. I love a full glam look don't get me wrong, a nice beat face with beautiful lashes and I already feel pretty. I also love when my skin is clear and I have a tan, I feel even more beautiful that I am naturally appealing to myself in the mirror.
What I have come to realize is that there's always a definition of "beautiful", but we all have our own definition of beautiful. Mine is leggings, a tee-shirt, a low bun, with a bare face. As for my body, I am working on feeling confident and my own definition of beautiful. I don't want to be skin and bones. I just want to be the girl who looks proud to be herself. The girl who swings her arms out wide and doesn't bring a jacket "just in case" when she's wearing a crop top. There are many goals I have in the future and my self-image is #1 for sure. It takes loving who you are first to get to where you want to be physically. Help your mind, then your body.