My Review of the New Stoplight on Melville Road and Powell
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My Review of the New Stoplight on Melville Road and Powell

f**king thing sucks

My Review of the New Stoplight on Melville Road and Powell
Bret Hartman

Ok. I don’t now what greedy, selfish, delusional bastard demanded that the government install this atrocity, or what useless politician was either bribed or negligent enough to approve of this heinous crime against all things fair, free, and good, but it is by far the worst stoplight placement I’ve ever seen. It’s not even a real intersection; it’s just a fork in the road with an obscure side street, with the side street somehow getting the preferential light treatment. A waste of gas and a waste of time.

As Jim Morrison said, “the future’s uncertain and the end is always near.” I have finite time, and I want very much to minimize the time I spend completely motionless in a sputtering metal box, waiting in government-induced fear for absolutely nothing. Every single day when I come home from work I drive down Melville Road, a pleasant diagonal that takes me off the hellish Route 110 and delivers me right into the heart of Farmingdale, where I live. But now, every day, when I get to the new light, it is red, and stays red, for about three hours. Of all the time I’ve spent waiting at this light, every god damn day, only one single car has ever came. If the light needs to exist at all, there is no reason for it to last longer than the time it takes a single car to drive through the intersection. We really can't afford another unnecessary line of idle cars pouring CO2 into the atmosphere for an extended period of time, especially now with this incoming administration of deranged scoundrels who will rip to shreds any remotely reasonable climate agreement we might have.

After a couple days sitting there, fuming, waiting obediently for nothing at all like a Good German, I decided I needed to do something. I scanned the area for cops, made sure no one was coming, and then I drove straight through the red light. Other cars started following mine, ignoring the stoplight en masse. It was civil disobedience, and it was beautiful.

If you’re not careful, there’s going to be a car revolution. Pissed off drivers everywhere know there’s no real reason to wait at a red light if no one is coming, other than the pedantic formality of the law and the fascist money-grabbing predators who blindly serve said law, and all drivers can’t be pulled over at once. If the political class remains this apathetic towards the nuance of human experience, motorists will treat red lights like stop signs, and eventually ignore them completely. It will be anarchy, and traffic cops will be hated even more fiercely than they already are. It could finally escalate us into the all-out war they've been warning us of, of People Versus Cops.

I do dream of a day when we can peacefully ride through a red light, after coming to a full stop and making sure there is no chance of a collision, without fear of an ungodly traffic fee. A day when cops’ jobs are designed for the protection of life and freedom instead of the armed collection of revenue for spineless politicians who are too scared of their constituents to raise taxes. A day when we can be free. But until then, just take down this god damn traffic light. 0 Stars. Two Thumbs Down. Bomb Emoji. Boycott It.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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