My religion as a Catholic woman has defined me my entire live leading up to college. Don't get me wrong, it was a blessing that I grew up in a household how brought me to church on Sundays, helped me through my night prayers and drove me to Sunday school. But at times I found that it was something I was known for. Having two parents who were heavily involved and passionate in the church, both my sister and I being alter servers since the second grade as well as being a cantor leading songs during mass; needless to say I was a face many people saw at the 8 a.m. service. Many other families in the church would come up to my parents telling them how good of servers we are and, during my cantoring days, would come up to me saying how beautiful of a voice have and that itself was a gift from God that I should love and cherish.
Years had past and I have kept to the same routine: go to church on Sundays, occasionally go an hour early to say the rosary, and either cantor, serve, or be at mass. This routine kept up throughout my childhood up until the spring of my sophomore year of high school.
There were times during my sophomore and junior year of high school where I questioned if the Catholic religion was right or even if there was a higher force. Tragedy struck the people who were closest to me and I often wondered why. Why would God let such horrible tings happen to me and the ones I loved most? If he loved us all, why would he have us suffer? Despite wanting to throw all I knew about religion out the window, I felt like I still needed religion in my life. Not for my own sake, but for others. If there was no God, higher force, or spiritual entity looking after the ones I cared about, what about the one's that were already gone? The Catholic faith believes in the afterlife, mostly in the terms of the dead transgressing into heaven. If I were to give up my religion as a Catholic, does that mean I have turned down the thought of a heavenly place for my loved ones to go once they have departed from this world? If there is no God, then does that mean that the souls of our loved ones just disappear after death? For me, this was a big contemplation when deciding whether to give up my religion or not. In fear of going against everything I grew up knowing to be true, I kept with my religion up until the end of high school.
Transitioning to college life also affected the way I see and feel about being Catholic in my everyday life. Coming into Morris, Minnesota, I had been still hesitant in labelling my religion of Catholic due to the events from high school. My views on religion were still very skeptical on the protective, loving figure that is God and I can honestly say that I had been caught at a crossroad. I felt at this time that exploring my options with other religions and beliefs was my best option for me to move on. Coming to college at the University of Minnesota Morris gave me a new perspective on community as well as finding and exploring who you are as a human being. The university takes pride in its diversity of students in race, color, ethnicity, religion/spirituality, sexuality and identity. Growing up Catholic, many of the values seen in the university would be considered completely taboo. But it was through this sense of accepting community that I felt like I wasn't being judged or rejected because of my thoughts and beliefs. In this community, I have time to heal, time to think, and time to explore who I am as a person with or without religion.
Today I am still healing from those events that took place years and years ago in high school. I am not saying that religion is something to be completely disregarded for everyone who is questioning. For many people, religion is their piece of mind, their safe space, their comfort. It is their reason to move on in this world. But everyone's reason is different. And for me, right now, I don't know what that reason is. Perhaps it is my religion, my family, my friends, my future, the well- being of others or even just me. But that really is what college is all about: finding who you are and what your purpose is. Even now during my second year, I still have a vague idea of who I am and where I want to go my time here in Morris has come to an end. Whether or not the Catholic faith still plays a significant role in my future identity, well, only time can tell.
