While I sit in my room, illuminated by Christmas lights, with tea in my favorite mug to my right, I have to sit and ask myself, "why am I like this?" The reason I'm asking myself this is because I've come to the realization that I have a hard time letting myself move on. Not even move on from another person, I think it's just being able to move onto the next step in life with another person. Why am I unable to be totally and completely content with someone?
You see, in my lifetime I have come across some absolutely amazing people. The sweetest to be honest. But I have a hard time getting attached to them. I feel like I will honestly never be ready to completely be involved with another person, who treats me the way I deserve. I find myself hoping that I'll be able to find the silver lining in all this madness.
Getting attached is something I have no problem with. In fact, I seem to be the one who's always overly attached. Except when it comes to actually getting involved with someone who treats me like a queen. Being someone who seems to always fall for the wrong people, you think by now I would have learned my lesson, but those are the kinds of people I'm only able to be with. Whether it's the thrill to have to work for someone's attention, or whether it's the fact that I do indeed prefer someone who treats me like shit. Sad to actually think is a true statement, huh? Honestly, I don't know. Please throw me a bone if you have any answers. Give me a lifeline. Help?
It's a scary feeling. Knowing that I could be with a nice guy who wants what's best for me and want's to give me the whole world, and all I can give them is 2 weeks of my time before I get totally and completely bored of them trying to win me over. And just leave. Only to be greeted by Satan himself waiting with a smile to welcome me back in the hands of someone who only cares about me when it's on their terms. Funny how their arms around my neck, so cool and comforting slowly turn into a noose that grips too loose to actually do any damage, but still leave noticeable impressions.
Healthy, right?
I'm not broken, just rough around the edges. I've lived through things some people will never even imagine going through. I don't use this as leverage or to get pity, I don't even use it as an excuse. But it does cause some emotional issues when it comes to wanting to find an individual to do life with. Don't get me wrong, I love myself, and I'm totally content with being single. It's the fact that I finally start to have a connection with someone, and my mind completely turns off the idea of continuing on. Why? I wish I had an answer.
I know I deserve someone who treats with the respect and like the queen I am (duh), yet for some reason, all I want is a motorcycle-riding, emotionless, tool-bag, bad boy who makes me feel like a damsel in distress. Maybe I just need more time. Maybe I just haven't found the right mix of the two yet, or maybe I'm just doomed until I find myself a Jax Teller, who knows.
Until it all falls into place I think I'll just binge Netflix and drink Starbucks on my own.
Bless this Mess.
Sincerely,
A Sandy whos hoplessly devoted to Danny's.
SOS.
