When I first met Vincent, I was lost — alone, depressed, an all-work-no-play workaholic. I was slowly letting the corporate world suck the soul out of me...and then I met him. Across the bar, he was everything I looked for in a man: dressed in a sharp London Fog trench coat, a classy brimmed hat, and about eight to nine feet tall. As we locked eyes and I approached him, he blushed and asked me if I’d like an alcohol. Isn't that adorable? I knew I was infatuated from first sight.
Vincent was exactly what I needed in my life. Here I was, slaving away in the office for ten hours a day, and I’d met my foil. Vincent has a corporate job too, at the business factory making business transactions, but he still manages to be upbeat and fun. Sometimes you need to come home from a shitty day at work to some R-rated movies (he's very specific about his choices in entertainment) and ice cream for dinner- and that's what Vincent is for me. He reminds me to slow down, enjoy life, and take a "time out" when I "get an attitude problem."
And yet, I've experienced it all — the stares on the street, the side glances among friends, the muffled laughter. "Don't you want someone more mature?" "I don't think he's your type." "How do you seriously not realize he's three kids doing that thing from Little Rascals?" I've heard it all. And honestly, I have to say, I’m really upset. Why don't my friends want me to be happy? I'm trying to ignore the haters, but it hurts when I know that my closest friends are the most intrusive. Don’t they say that love is blind? They ask me if I’m stupid, if I can’t see that his body is horribly misshapen, he’s well over six feet tall, or that when we’re together you can hear the occasional “shut up!” followed by muffled giggling and stumbling. They ask me if I’ve even bothered to look underneath his trench coat. Well, you know what I say? I already know what’s under Vincent’s trench coat that my friend don’t have- a heart who loves me for who I am.
Look, all I’m trying to say is that all couples have their problems: Katy’s boyfriend won’t open up to her about his problems, Skyler’s husband has a secret cell phone, and Marissa’s significant other snores so loud he wakes up their poodles. My fiancé is three kids in a trench coat, and everyone needs to shut up about it. If my friends are so holier-than-thou that they won’t accept him because of this one flaw, even after seeing how truly happy he makes me, then maybe they were never my true friends at all. I just hope they can get over their prejudices and see me become Mrs. Adultman, because honestly this type of ignorance is a friendship deal-breaker for me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick up my better half from the stock market. Vincent has been making a business all day and I don’t need to dwell on this negativity any longer.
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Author's note-
THIS IS A PARODY OF "BOJACK HORSEMAN," PLEASE DONT SUE ME.
