I grew up in a christian home. We went to church on sunday mornings, we never ate a meal without praying beforehand, and we continuously sought guidance from God in all aspects of our lives. When I went away to college, I knew that there were times when I would be tested and tempted. I wasn't naive to the fact that college was a whole different world. I did not have parents to answer to. I was free to do what I wanted. I thought that I was strong in my faith — until I was blind sided. My problems didn't come from college. In fact, my entire freshman year I felt more connected to God than I ever had before. My problems came from home.
It was the last week of spring semester right before finals when I called home to talk and asked my dad if I could talk to mom. He said, "mom isn't living here right now." My first thought was, "you're funny, but seriously I want to talk to mom," but after a second I began to feel the tension between our phones. My parents were splitting up. This wasn't just a typical separation either. This was messy. It was gruesome and heartbreaking, and I had to hear about it all from 500 miles away. My mom and biological dad were never married, so I had gone through something like this before, but I was much younger and didn't understand. Now I had to watch my siblings go through it, and it was more torturous to watch them suffer than it was to go through it myself.
I took my finals, got in my car, and drove seven hours home to deal with my family. My longtime boyfriend and I were also struggling and within three days of being home, we broke up. I immediately started working two jobs in order to avoid having to deal with my emotions because who would help me make sense of them? God? No way. How could he let something like this happen? How could he let something tear my family apart? I shut myself off. I felt numb. I didn't trust God. I didn't trust the one person who was always there. My faith was severely shaken.
I didn't talk to anybody about it for almost a year. I didn't want to burden someone else with my problems, but eventually I had to let out this whirlwind of emotions that I had been carrying with me. I sat down with my aunt and laid my heart out on the table. Anger. Confusion. Sadness. Fear. We talked for hours and we addressed almost everything. She asked me why I didn't trust God anymore, and I said "I'm afraid." After that, she said something I will never forget. She said "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear, and God's love is unconditional." Right there I knew that I couldn't ever give up on God again because God would never give up on me.
My faith has been shaken and my trust has been challenged, but I refuse to accept defeat. I am still growing spiritually and emotionally. I am still learning about myself. I have learned that although my heart is fragile, it can withstand more than expected. I have learned that I am capable of overcoming struggle and adversity and I have learned that faith is a choice. My faith has been shaken, but it will never be broken.
