To The Best Friend That Loved Me That I Couldn’t Love Back
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To The Best Friend That Loved Me That I Couldn’t Love Back

“I wanted my kids to call you uncle...not dad.”

To The Best Friend That Loved Me That I Couldn’t Love Back

As I write this, I look at my engagement ring and feel a sting of sadness. Getting married was definitely something I thought we'd spend hours talking about. Just like all the other stuff we use to.

"Is this stupid?", I'd ask you. Holding up a little card I made for my boyfriend at the time.

"Shut up Kylee, you know it's adorable.", You'd say rolling your eyes at me. At the time I didn't realize this probably broke you. If I could go back I'd do several things differently.

You see, I'm sorry. For many things, but probably not what you'd want me to be sorry for. I'm sorry I asked you questions I should've asked my boyfriend. I'm sorry for not understanding your reassurance to me during my darkest times probably put you in a dark place yourself. And though I'm sure this one will hurt, I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you loved me.

The reality of it all, is that I did love you; so incredibly much. I wanted happiness for you. I wanted you to reach all your goals and exceed every huge milestone. I wanted you to find someone that loved you the way you loved me. I just wanted my kids to call you uncle though, and not dad. At the end of the day, I know that's why we haven't spoken in four years. That has been one of my hardest obstacles to accept yet.

I check in on you every once in a while. I'm happy to see you doing all the things you once told me you would. The job you wanted-you have. The home outside of home-you got. Planning your wedding with the girl I encouraged you to go after. I wanted this for you, but I selfishly wanted to be a part of it too, cheering you on at your side. I'm still doing it from the sidelines though, that I hope you know.

I knew when I chose not to love you in the way you wanted that it was only a matter of time before I lost you.

One of the last conversations I remember having with you, you spoke words that still ring in my head every time I miss you.

"Even if I end up with this girl, I know in my heart I will never feel as strongly for her as I do for you."

That's when I realized I couldn't be selfish anymore.

I had to not have you at all because no matter how badly I wanted to be in your life, you could only accept me if I returned the same love you had for me, to you. That was something I could not possibly give you, so I had to let you go. Because more than anything, I wanted you to have that love with someone who was capable of giving it back to you in the right way; the way you deserved.

At the end of the day, we both lost something. I lost a best friend, and you lost someone you loved. Despite us both wanting to, we could not adjust to the type of relationship the other one wanted-and that's okay.

So here we are-practically strangers now.

I'm just writing to say that though it was never truly wanted in the way I could give it to you,

I will always love you like a best friend; like a brother.

No amount of time apart, unspoken words, or fiancés can change that.

I wish you and your new love so much happiness… and so much peace….

I truly hope you are well.

With love,

Your ex best friend.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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