My Depression Used To Make Me Not Want A Future

My Depression Used To Make Me Not Want A Future

It's still strange for me to think about my future in a positive way.

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In November I will be officially done with my college career. It sounds crazy and unreal right now. Probably because I've been in school for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't seem possible that it's all finally coming to an end. I've honestly been convinced that I'm going to get an email from my advisor saying something along the lines of "oh you have one more class to take actually." I really hope that does not happen *knocks on wood*.

Thanks to the finish line being so close I've been thinking a lot about my post college life and what I want to do. Where do I want to go? Where do I want to work? The usual questions that one asks themselves when slapped with the realization that now you have to be a real adult. The scary questions.

I've been feeling like I don't know how to answer the questions I previously mentioned. I have always had a general idea of what I want in life and where I want to be, but now that it's actually here I'm having a hard time thinking of it being real.

Like I said, I've always had this idea of my future in my head but it never seemed plausible or like I would ever have it because for a long time I really didn't think I would be alive to have a post college life.

It sounds so extreme to say that I didn't want to be alive, but there really isn't anything warm and fuzzy about suicidal thoughts. They would creep into my head in the middle of the night and consume my thoughts into the early hours of the morning. They would hit me in the middle of class and I wouldn't be able to pay attention. They dominated a decent portion of my teen years and early twenties. They convinced me that I wasn't good enough to have all the things I dreamed about and that it didn't matter what I wanted because I wouldn't be around to have it.

The past couple of years have been monumental for my mental health. I started really taking it seriously and figuring out the best way to take care of myself. I was focusing on the present and how to be a happier and healthier version of myself. Thanks to a lot of hard work, some much-needed chats with a therapist, and the amazing friends and family I have in my life, I've actually grown to be proud of who I am as a person. I no longer despise the person I see in the mirror and I look forward to tomorrow.

The impending post college questions have been so difficult for me to answer because it's honestly still strange for me to think about my future as something I can not only have, but live to the fullest (as cheesy as that sounds). It's still strange for me to think about my future in a positive way.

I still have a lot to work through in regards to my mental health, but for now I'm going to focus on answering those inevitable post-college questions and figuring out my next adventure.

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40 Small Things That Make College Students Happy

It doesn't take much...
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1. When class is canceled.

2. When the coffee shop you stop at five minutes before your 8 a.m. has a short line.

3. Coffee, coffee, coffee.

4. Open note tests.

5. Or even better, take home tests.

6. The unofficial assigned seating process that that takes place after the first week or so of classes.

7. Thursday nights. (because in college, Thursday qualifies as the weekend.)

8. Sales.

9. Or once again, even better, free things.

10. Specifically free food.

11. Dogs.

12. Dogs on campus.

13. Tailgates and Saturday afternoon football games.

14. Finding an already completed Quizlet for your exam.

15. Having an extra 30 minutes for a nap, and if you're lucky, an hour.

16. Netflix.

17. When your roommate takes out the trash.

18. Weekends after test weeks.

19. The rare blessing of a curve on an exam.

20. Getting out of class early.

21. How in college, it is socially expectable to wear a t-shirt everyday.

22. Being able to walk from class to class or eat in the dining hall without having to see anyone you know. (and thank goodness too because you probably don't look too good.)

23. Crossing things off of your to-do list.

24. Your best-friends that you make in college.

25. A full tank of gas.

26. Seeing a new face everyday.

27. Crawling back into bed after your 8 or 9 a.m. (or after any class that ends with a.m.)

28. Care packages.

29. No cover charges.

30. When adults tell you that it is okay that you have no idea what you want to do with your life yet. (regardless of what parents or your advisor may say.)

31. Pizza.

32. Finding out you weren't the only one who did poorly on the exam.

33. Deciding not to buy the textbook, and never needing it.

34. Finding the perfect gif to express how you're feeling. (Michael Scott just get it.)

35. Weekends at home because...

36. Pets.

37. Mom's home cooked pie and Dad's steak dinners,

38. Spring Break.

39. Road trips.

40. When it finally starts to cool down outside so you can show up to class dry instead of dripping in sweat.

Cover Image Credit: Abigail Wideman

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10 Ellie Schnitt One-Liners Every Girl In Her 20s Needs To Hear

From Sorority Girl Twitter to voice of reason real quick.

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As some of you right now probably is, there once was a day I too had no idea who Ellie Schnitt was. Now she one of my all-time favorite people; and we've never even met.

In 2018, she seemingly appeared overnight on everyone's Twitter timeline. Now she's living up every current Odyssey writer's fantasy by creating content for Barstool Sports straight out of school. While some dismiss Ellie as "everything wrong with Twitter" simply for tweeting her daily thoughts, I think she's vital to the platform.

In this day and age, it's hard to be a female, especially one in their 20s. There are expectations, disappointments, laughs and tears. Now more than anything we ladies need to a have a voice in the void looking out for us and letting us know it's OK to feel how we feel because we're not alone.

Here are some one-liners every twenty-something needs to hear by another twenty-something who just gets it.

1. When you're having trouble accepting that your feelings are valid.

Let's face it, the world would be a much better place if we were just honest with everyone about what we REALLY want out of life.

2. When the world is trying to convince you that being "selfish" is a negative trait. 

Ladies, it's time we stop considering being selfish as something to be ashamed of. Sure, there are certain circumstances, but learning how to put your own needs first is part of being successful.

3. When you need a quick reality check.

Part of learning how to be selfish also involves learning when and where to be selfish. There are times when you come first, but there are also times when you need to be a pillar of support for someone else, it's only fair.

4. When men try to knock you down a peg but it's 2019.

Highlighter in 2019 is the equivalent of belly button rings and low rise jeans in the mid-2000s, if you've got it, then rock it.

5. When you feel like you never even left undergrad and life feels strangely familiar.

Despite what your Facebook and Instagram feeds seem to be telling you, it's OK not to have your life completely together directly after undergrad. Sometimes it takes a year )or a few) to know exactly what you want to do with your life, that's exactly what your 20s are for.

6. When you start to question how much you should put up with.

Why deal with someone more than you have to? Sometimes the bare necessities is all you need.

7. When you need more some self-love than usual. 

Snap a selfie when you're having a really good makeup day, heck, post it while you're at it even though you just posted a pic yesterday. Take some nudes solely for the reason to admire yourself in them, it's OK to feel yourself in 2019.

8. When you're trying to explain that you HAVE closure but also kinda don't.

You know when you're scrolling through Instagram and you see the man who was never really your man suddenly eloped with his girlfriend of five minutes and you're still having wine nights with your dog? Yeah, this describes exactly how that feels.

9. Sometimes, we all still need even more reassurance than we thought we did. 

But in the end, that "break-up" with your man that was never your man helped you grow into the person you are today. Heartbreak and all, you've grown stronger through it all.

10. And most importantly, when you need to remind yourself what the real issues in life are.

Like I said, you're in your 20s You're allowed to have fun and enjoy yourself, and most importantly scam men for free alcohol.

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