My Depression Used To Make Me Not Want A Future

My Depression Used To Make Me Not Want A Future

It's still strange for me to think about my future in a positive way.


In November I will be officially done with my college career. It sounds crazy and unreal right now. Probably because I've been in school for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't seem possible that it's all finally coming to an end. I've honestly been convinced that I'm going to get an email from my advisor saying something along the lines of "oh you have one more class to take actually." I really hope that does not happen *knocks on wood*.

Thanks to the finish line being so close I've been thinking a lot about my post college life and what I want to do. Where do I want to go? Where do I want to work? The usual questions that one asks themselves when slapped with the realization that now you have to be a real adult. The scary questions.

I've been feeling like I don't know how to answer the questions I previously mentioned. I have always had a general idea of what I want in life and where I want to be, but now that it's actually here I'm having a hard time thinking of it being real.

Like I said, I've always had this idea of my future in my head but it never seemed plausible or like I would ever have it because for a long time I really didn't think I would be alive to have a post college life.

It sounds so extreme to say that I didn't want to be alive, but there really isn't anything warm and fuzzy about suicidal thoughts. They would creep into my head in the middle of the night and consume my thoughts into the early hours of the morning. They would hit me in the middle of class and I wouldn't be able to pay attention. They dominated a decent portion of my teen years and early twenties. They convinced me that I wasn't good enough to have all the things I dreamed about and that it didn't matter what I wanted because I wouldn't be around to have it.

The past couple of years have been monumental for my mental health. I started really taking it seriously and figuring out the best way to take care of myself. I was focusing on the present and how to be a happier and healthier version of myself. Thanks to a lot of hard work, some much-needed chats with a therapist, and the amazing friends and family I have in my life, I've actually grown to be proud of who I am as a person. I no longer despise the person I see in the mirror and I look forward to tomorrow.

The impending post college questions have been so difficult for me to answer because it's honestly still strange for me to think about my future as something I can not only have, but live to the fullest (as cheesy as that sounds). It's still strange for me to think about my future in a positive way.

I still have a lot to work through in regards to my mental health, but for now I'm going to focus on answering those inevitable post-college questions and figuring out my next adventure.

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The Truth About Young Marriage

Different doesn't mean wrong.

When I was a kid, I had an exact picture in my mind of what my life was going to look like. I was definitely not the kind of girl who would get married young, before the age of 25, at least.

And let me tell you, I was just as judgmental as that sentence sounds.

I could not wrap my head around people making life-long commitments before they even had an established life. It’s not my fault that I thought this way, because the majority opinion about young marriage in today’s society is not a supportive one. Over the years, it has become the norm to put off marriage until you have an education and an established career. Basically, this means you put off marriage until you learn how to be an adult, instead of using marriage as a foundation to launch into adulthood.

When young couples get married, people will assume that you are having a baby, and they will say that you’re throwing your life away — it’s inevitable.

It’s safe to say that my perspective changed once I signed my marriage certificate at the age of 18. Although marriage is not always easy and getting married at such a young age definitely sets you up for some extra challenges, there is something to be said about entering into marriage and adulthood at the same time.

SEE ALSO: Finding A Husband In College

Getting married young does not mean giving up your dreams. It means having someone dream your dreams with you. When you get lost along the way, and your dreams and goals seem out of reach, it’s having someone there to point you in the right direction and show you the way back. Despite what people are going to tell you, it definitely doesn’t mean that you are going to miss out on all the experiences life has to offer. It simply means that you get to share all of these great adventures with the person you love most in the world.

And trust me, there is nothing better than that. It doesn’t mean that you are already grown up, it means that you have someone to grow with.

You have someone to stick with you through anything from college classes and changing bodies to negative bank account balances.

You have someone to sit on your used furniture with and talk about what you want to do and who you want to be someday.

Then, when someday comes, you get to look back on all of that and realize what a blessing it is to watch someone grow. Even after just one year of marriage, I look back and I am incredibly proud of my husband. I’m proud of the person he has become, and I’m proud of what we have accomplished together. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for us.

“You can drive at 16, go to war at 18, drink at 21, and retire at 65. So who can say what age you have to be to find your one true love?" — One Tree Hill
Cover Image Credit: Sara Donnelli Photography

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If Shonda Can Do A Year Of Yes, Then So Can I



A few years ago, Shonda Rimes decided to do a year of saying yes, after her sister told her she says "No" to everything. It ended up changing her life.

So, I've decided to embark on my own year of yes.

Sure, it may be easy to say yes to everything when you're a millionaire with a bunch of record-setting televisions shows, but the rest of us can do it too.

Say yes to treating yourself.

Say yes to taking care of yourself.

Say yes to saying no, don't stretch yourself too thin.

Say yes to new opportunities

The year of yes is about taking better care of yourself.

My year of yes starts right now.

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