In November I will be officially done with my college career. It sounds crazy and unreal right now. Probably because I've been in school for as long as I can remember and it just doesn't seem possible that it's all finally coming to an end. I've honestly been convinced that I'm going to get an email from my advisor saying something along the lines of "oh you have one more class to take actually." I really hope that does not happen *knocks on wood*.
Thanks to the finish line being so close I've been thinking a lot about my post college life and what I want to do. Where do I want to go? Where do I want to work? The usual questions that one asks themselves when slapped with the realization that now you have to be a real adult. The scary questions.
I've been feeling like I don't know how to answer the questions I previously mentioned. I have always had a general idea of what I want in life and where I want to be, but now that it's actually here I'm having a hard time thinking of it being real.
Like I said, I've always had this idea of my future in my head but it never seemed plausible or like I would ever have it because for a long time I really didn't think I would be alive to have a post college life.
It sounds so extreme to say that I didn't want to be alive, but there really isn't anything warm and fuzzy about suicidal thoughts. They would creep into my head in the middle of the night and consume my thoughts into the early hours of the morning. They would hit me in the middle of class and I wouldn't be able to pay attention. They dominated a decent portion of my teen years and early twenties. They convinced me that I wasn't good enough to have all the things I dreamed about and that it didn't matter what I wanted because I wouldn't be around to have it.
The past couple of years have been monumental for my mental health. I started really taking it seriously and figuring out the best way to take care of myself. I was focusing on the present and how to be a happier and healthier version of myself. Thanks to a lot of hard work, some much-needed chats with a therapist, and the amazing friends and family I have in my life, I've actually grown to be proud of who I am as a person. I no longer despise the person I see in the mirror and I look forward to tomorrow.
The impending post college questions have been so difficult for me to answer because it's honestly still strange for me to think about my future as something I can not only have, but live to the fullest (as cheesy as that sounds). It's still strange for me to think about my future in a positive way.
I still have a lot to work through in regards to my mental health, but for now I'm going to focus on answering those inevitable post-college questions and figuring out my next adventure.