My cat is a total asshole.

Last night I was changing after a shower, but he wanted food NOW

So he bit my nipple.

What the f**k?!?

My asshole cat is so violent in burying his poop that

he ends up kicking his turds out of the litterbox

and onto the floor.

He steals things from me,

A highlighter

A makeup brush

The pompom off of my slipper

And pushes them under the door and into the hallway.

Then he gets upset that he can’t reach them

And cries until I go get them back for him.

My asshole cat is trying to make me fail my classes.

He knows the sound of me getting ready to leave

And as soon as he hears the jingle of my keys

He flops onto his back in front of the door

Giving me his fluffy warm belly

As if seductively saying

“Come touch it, you know you want to…”

And I do want to,

But I can’t,

Because I am already late for class

Because

I was cleaning up shards of my broken coffee mug

That my asshole cat pushed off of the desk.

My asshole cat is determined not to let me sleep.

I get woken up at two in the morning

Because he has decided it is very important

For him to clean me right now

Specifically, the inside of my ears

And there isn’t a weirder way to wake up

Than with a sandpaper cat tongue inside of your ear.

After I push him away

He settles himself on my neck,

Cutting off the majority of my airflow,

And goes to sleep purring.

I don’t shove him off

Because there isn’t a better way to die

Than being strangled by your cat.

My asshole cat knows when I am upset

He hears me crying and comes over to investigate

He likes to lick the salty tears off my face.

He purrs and rubs against me, begging for pets

Doesn’t he know this time is about me?

My asshole cat hates getting wet

He is terrified of rain

But he will happily tolerate

Being soaked by the tears that fall

From my face into the fur on his belly

Because he knows that this is what I need.

My asshole cat likes to lay between me

and my boyfriend when we spend the night together

As if to say “Back off, bucko, she is mine,”

And I don’t stop him

Because even though he is an asshole

He is my asshole.