People talk all the time about music therapy. How music helped them through tough times. How love songs or break up songs gave them peace. That isn't the case for me. For me, music is a painful trigger for my depression.
My sister and I were driving together not long ago and she asked me what music I have been listening to. I told her I don't listen to music. She looked at me in shock. "why?!" she asked. "because I don't like music" is how I responded. She thought it was weird that I suddenly didn't like music, but I eventually got her to drop the conversation. There wasn't much else I could tell her without letting the truth slip out.
What is the truth? The truth is that I battle depression and within that depression I battle missing someone. The truth is that music reminds me of him. The person I loved, who loved me back, then abandoned me. It's all kinds of music that bring back the memories....there is no escape.
The love songs remind me of the feeling of home he gave me. They bring back the memories of when we would lie in bed together talking and the things he used to say to me...the things I wish he still said to me.
The friendship songs remind me of all the good times we had as best friends. Random trips to target, game nights, snowboarding trips...us being completely in sync and inseparable.
The break up songs remind me of the pain I'm feeling now. How I would give anything to go back to before he left.
The personal growth/strength songs remind me of how broken I am...which circles back to how much I miss him...
I am a lyrics person. I heard a song and focus in on the lyrics. I make a connection with the music. So with the depression I am experiencing, there is no music that isn't going to hit me hard. What makes it worse is that I used to share that music experience with him. We would send each other texts when a song came about that made us think. The text would be simple....just the song name. Just the song name, and the other person would know to look it up and listen to it before we got home that night.
So now here I am. With love songs I want to send him...friendship songs I want to send him...break up songs I want to send him...and personal songs I want to send him...But I can't. I can't because he's gone. So on top of that pain, I have the painful memories brought up no matter what music I listen to, and I have the pain of not being able to share the lyrics with him like I used to.
Music doesn't give me peace. It gives me memories. Which, ironically there is are a few specific songs about...
So here is the texts to him that I can't send....or at least a few of them...
Peter Pan
Every Little Thing
Better Man
I Hate You, I Love You
Reflections
T-Shirt
Yeah Boy
Different for Girls
Photograph
Tear In My Heart
In Case You Didn't Know
Think of You
