Recently the MTA announced that it is going to raise the cost of unlimited monthly and weekly metro cards. For the monthly it is going to go from 112 dollars to 121. Now I used to believe this myth that the money made from the fares went towards useful things like construction and improvements on stations, but I have opened my eyes and realized that this is what Trump’s administration would call “alternative facts” AKA BULLSHIT! Yeah yeah I get it, we got ourselves a “second ave subway” aka the Q but with 3 more stops added onto it. Remember the wonderful rumors of the “T” train that would actually service all of second ave? Those were the days! Ok sure the Upper East Side now has a second fast moving trashcan of its own (I didn’t forget about you 6 train), but what does that have to do with me? I live in Astoria! I’d appreciate if the R had more than one train every thirty minutes! I’d love to not have to go deep into the bowels of Queens every weekend just to head back towards the city because of “construction”. It seems to me that Donald Trump is getting his wall built faster than this city could get regular cell phone service in all stations. 121 dollars may be acceptable if it fixed these issues:

-MANSPREADING: I have had ENOUGH of endlessly looking for a seat that isn’t being blocked by the legs of a man who must think his junk is the size of the island of Manhattan. You DO NOT need that much room in between your legs sir! Stop overcompensating! Close those legs together and realize that you’re being rude as fuck.

-MAKE OUT SESSIONS: Yes hi, this is not a live porno! This is not your bedroom!! Please to any and all couples, hook ups, tinder dates, best friends who share a lot with each other, and anyone else who finds themselves making out with each other STOP! I hardly like to lick my own lips or breathe through my mouth on the subway, how are you possibly acting like this is the climax scene of a Nicholas Sparks film? We get it, you are into each other, but please wait to be into each other until you’re in a private space where you can actually be INTO each other.

-EATING: From tonguing each other to tonguing a slice of pizza, a sandwich, chips etc. NO MORE EATING! I can not tell you how many times I have seen people allow the subway’s airborne germs to grace their food item and then shove it into their mouth. I am not going to pay 121 bucks to watch one more old person gum their way through a meal. Does anyone else notice that they ALWAYS choose the MESSIEST food item they could possibly find?! Grandma is clawing her way through a shepherd’s pie THEN LICKING HER FINGERS AFTER. Leave this train right now!!

-PEOPLE WHO DON’T MOVE IN: This is rush hour! This is not the time to claim a spot near the door. We are squeezed in this tight little space meanwhile in the middle of the car there are two people who could fit a recliner and a flat screen. Go bombard those people! I promise you, you will make it off the train even if you’re in the middle of the car! MOVE. FUCKING. IN. BRENDA!!

-PHONE CONVERSATIONS: I know it is amazing that we now have cell service in every station(so they say) but that does not mean you should be using it! This has been a crime committed for years and I can not handle it anymore! We are in the station for what 30-60 seconds at a time before our bodies are being flung down a dark and cold tunnel again? We ALL know that your service is going to cut out once we start moving so WHY even answer the call?! “HELLO? YES? HELLO? HUH?” they scream as they look at their screen confused. “WHY DID THIS CALL DROP IM SO LOST?!” They think as though they were just above ground and suddenly teleported onto this train. As soon as I hear a phone ring I want to take it and throw it out the doors right before they close.

These things only scratch the surface, but are a solid start to me feeling okay with paying 121 dollars to ride the subway. Until these things are fixed, I am ready to strap on my running shoes and walk my ass over the Queensboro Bridge everyday.