In life, there are three prominent stressful situations for humans: financial problems, death of a loved one and moving. And I was experiencing all three of those but decided to put them all bundled into one problem: moving.
So, I’m moving from the only state I’ve lived in for a consecutive amount of time (good ol’ Florida) and spreading my horizons over to Massachusetts to continue my schooling. I’ve been fumbling over writing this subject because I’m honestly not very sure where I emotionally stand yet, it’s as if my two feet that I learned how to walk on as a child just got tangled up together. The first thing you think about when you imagine yourself moving is the adventure, the thrill of waking up in this new place where no one knows your name/accent/style/laughter or anything for that matter; you could be a whole new person and have a huge giggle or sigh of relief at the end of the day. I lived on that thrill for months while I waited for my acceptance letter and one day it finally came accompanied with the immediate sense of miss direction.
Was I making the right decision? Am I taking everything/everyone around me for granted by taking this opportunity? What if I won’t make any connections up there? And so on and so forth, I started to panic. The excitement and wanderlust that used to turn my cheeks red, quickly started to be questioned by fear sitting in the corner and taking notes on what was most frightening about it all to me. I would spend some days imagining all the friends I would make and then curling up in a ball at night imagining not being able to hold my mother if I needed it.
Each ‘what if’ brought my heart closer into my stomach, and my doubts up to the heavens. I poured my heart out to my therapist about all my fears until I realized he answered each speculation with a reasonable solution and smiled telling me that my future looks bright. How come he could see all the promising things about all of this but all I could picture was panic attacks after panic attacks. Was I letting fear rule my decision making now? I laughed out loud as I sighed out, “Man, I miss being excited about this adventure.”
And, I really did. I missed running around proclaiming that I was ‘getting out of here’ (which I’ve said since I was about thirteen, as I’m sure every child did). But now, it was actually happening. I am really moving out of my state where I’ve learned all my customs, just to be learning new ones somewhere else. All the friends I’ve made won’t just poof away the second I step on that airplane, they will follow me through all my journeys in life because that is what being a friend is. My mother won’t be shackled to her apartment and refuse to see me, she will answer every phone call and plan out trips for us because she knows how much she means to me. I will begin to learn new art forms, fall in love with new perspectives of the world, and start my path towards my career more prevalent than taking online courses at a community college.
I’m excited but nervous, and some days I’m more excited than nervous or vice versa, but after I hyperventilate a bit (whoops) I remind myself that this is all about the journey and I wouldn't have it any other way. I won’t let the darkness eat me up.
