She lay across my bed obviously upset and waiting for my answer, my final verdict. As I sit in my office chair watching her, wondering where the 16 years went. How did she grow up so fast, how did we get to this? I've found myself in this place many times over the years with my 3 children, the place where you have no idea what to say. Motherhood didn't come with an instruction manual, you weren't handed that beautiful baby and a book of all the answers for the problems you would eventually face.
A mom will be one of the most amazing and often underappreciated roles you will ever have in your life. It's also one of the hardest jobs, with the the toughest employees. As always when you are expecting your first baby, you are reading all the books and making this perfect plan that you know will work. It's fool proof, everything is going to go off without a hitch, and you are going to be the perfect mom. Then, as life with a baby begins you soon learn there is no perfect mom. Sure, there are those who seem to have it all together, who look so happy and put together with perfectly behaved children and a house that doesn't look like 3 tornadoes just went through it. After 16 years of being a mom I've decided she doesn't exist! I've been through three pregnancies, three deliveries, bouts of postpartum depression. I've lived through the terrible 2's, 3's, 4's and no it doesn't stop with just one age. I am now in the "wonderful" teen years with my oldest, and this stage is one of the hardest, most heartbreaking stages you will go through. Not that my eight year old hyper girl isn't trying at times, or my 11 year old shy, quiet little man doesn't break my heart at times. I guess every stage comes with it's own set of difficulties.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to turn you off of motherhood at all. I love being a mom. I love hearing them laugh, watching them grow, and learn. I love cuddles and kisses before bedtime, and I love everything that comes with being a mom. However, do know that there is no perfect mom, there is no right answer, and there is no right way to do things. We all learn by trial and error. We all yell, we all sit in our bathrooms and cry. All of us get so stressed at times we really think about running away, I know I've thought about it from time to time! When my youngest decides she is going to sing and dance while I am on the phone, or when my eleven year old has a fit because he hates doing homework or when my teenager decides I am the worst mom ever and leaves me in tears. These are those times when you feel you have done something wrong. You feel like giving up and you wonder where this picture perfect idea of motherhood you had in your head went. These are those moments, mom, when you need to just sit down, take a deep breathe and watch your babies. Take a moment to know you aren't perfect, no mom is perfect and that is okay. Believe in those words and know, mom, that you are doing a great job. I know no one tells you that enough!
As I still sit here in my chair wondering what to tell my little girl. I remember those words and I know there are no right answers. And like all moms have to do many times in our children's lives, we have to do what is best for them. Sure she may hate me for awhile, and I will get the silent treatment forever but I've done what us moms do best, I trusted in myself. No, motherhood doesn't come with a manual, but wouldn't it be so boring if it did?
