Money doesn't buy happiness, it only removes some of the things that can make one unhappy.
I am one of the five lucky recipients of the Dr. Pepper tuition giveaway scholarship. Each of us received 100,000 dollars in tuition. An event few will ever experience in their lifetime. An event that permanently changed my life. I wouldn't experience student loans or crippling debt. I would be able to achieve all my academic dreams. Live on my own, and support my dog and myself. What did I have to be sad about?
My low self-esteem, self-worth, self-loathing and outlook on life all still weighed on my mind. Born to lose and destined to fail was something I believed and still do believe. I believed that I was not worthy to receive something as wonderful as it was. I believed that it was wasted on me, because I as a whole, believe any effort towards me is useless.
I received friend requests, messages, Instagram follows tweets about me receiving the scholarship. Some congrats, others criticism. News outlets wanted to speak to me. Things that should have made me feel good. I rode the bus home with my sweatshirt hood up, and my headphones in. I removed myself from Facebook. I locked down my Instagrams. I vanished so I could be alone. I didn't want any attention on me.
About two weeks after I received the scholarship, I began going to therapy to discuss my anxiety and depression. I had never been as low and alone as I felt at that time. I had an apartment lined up, school was taken care of, I didn't have to work multiple jobs to pay for school. The money earned from work could go towards things I wanted: tattoos, concerts, video games, motorcycles, cars, anything I wanted. But, nothing sat right. Nothing could remove the pain and loneliness I felt inside. It just removed the things that would make me unhappy, uncomfortable.
True happiness comes where one least expects it. Self-love, appreciation, and understanding. Peace with oneself and forgiveness. Doing the things that make one happy. Spending time with friends, family, listening to music that heals. Letting go of the past.
