I Miss the Person I Used To Be

I'm writing this the night before Thanksgiving while my family is in the kitchen preparing food for our family get together tomorrow. I remember there used to be a sense of happiness that would fill the house whenever Thanksgiving and Christmas came around. It used to be my favorite time of the whole year. I remember I used to really love the night before Thanksgiving because I would help my mom prepare food for our family for the next day and I would feel this sense of happiness because I was spending time with my family.

I am ashamed to say that I don't feel that this year. All the while my mom is in the kitchen preparing food and going through her usual holiday rituals I am locked away in my room in the dark... crying. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like being around my family. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like anything except sad and empty. It's like I have this gigantic hole in my heart that I can't seem to fill. I've just been shuffling around all day, and every day for the past little while, just trying to trick myself into being happy. I have no reason to be sad after all. I guess I just am.

I hate this. I hate that I don't feel like the person I used to be. I hate that I feel sad more often than I feel happy. I hate that I feel empty. I hate that I can't pin point what's wrong with me. I hate that I would rather be locked away in my room in the dark than to be around my family. I am actually down right ashamed to admit that. I should be whipped for locking myself away from my family who loves me. But I just don't want to be around anyone.

It's the night before one of my favorite holidays. I haven't seen my parents much lately due to schedules being crazy and due to the fact that I would rather lay in my bed and cry or just be left completely alone. Meanwhile I just snapped at my dad for making so much noise in the kitchen. What is wrong with me? I feel like the worst daughter/person in the world right now.

I feel like all I do now is cry. All I do is mope around and try to be okay but I'm not okay. I'm afraid I'll never be okay again honestly. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll never be the old Hope I used to be. Maybe I won't be. Maybe that's okay. But I kind of miss her. The old Hope was happy and funny and always laughing. The old Hope would stop being sad at some point and get herself together. The old Hope would not just lay down and give up but this Hope is. This Hope is doing a lot of things the old Hope would be appalled by. But I can't seem to find that girl I used to be. I guess she got lost somewhere along the way. I want to find her though.

I keep seeing small glimpses of her pop back up every now and then. I get so excited because I think "Oh good! You're back! Get me out of this mess I'm in." But then it's like she just flutters away again as quickly as she showed up. I miss her.

I feel like I used to be way tougher than this. I used to be invincible. Nothing could hurt me. I was fine. Now my heart hurts constantly and I can't make it stop. I keep trying to light a fire under me somehow and tell myself I have so much going for me. I keep telling myself I have potential to be great in this life. I keep telling myself not to just give up because I have so much left to do and to see. But that's what my heart says. My head says I'm weak now and I just shouldn't try anymore. But I want to try. I want to try to be okay again. I'm just not sure what that feels like anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful everyday for everything that I have been blessed with because I don't deserve any of it. I feel so ungrateful though because I'm crying and whining over a hole in my heart. I keep thinking people suffer way worse than I will ever imagine. Why can't I just stop wallowing already? I'm not sure why. All I know is I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not sure how I feel about that either.