Most of my anxiety about moving back to school stems from my freshman year experience. In my post, "Asking for Help", I talked about my mental health leading up to college. While I left home in a good place with my mental health, I struggled a lot as first semester went along.

When you get to college, all anyone tells you to do is to get involved. It sounds pretty simple and straight forward, right?

My entire life I had imagined playing volleyball in college, but three shoulder injuries and two surgeries later, I wasn't able to do that. I didn't want to join a sorority. I never envisioned myself being a part of greek life, and I decided it wouldn't be best for my mental health to be around certain aspects of it. Two of the obvious ways I could be involved were not right for me. I ended up joining two clubs that were not very active, and I didn't connect well during the few meetings there were.

Between this, being incredibly home sick, dealing with crappy food (not good for my relationship with food or my allergies), being in a long distance relationship, and having a roommate that was very busy and rarely in the room, I was isolated. It got to the point that I would tell myself that even if I tried to make new connections, people would know I was depressed and think I wasn't "fun enough". I talked myself into a negative spiral of thoughts and emotions that perpetuated my depression.

Going home for winter break, I knew I couldn't be in a relationship anymore; I wasn't in a place that I could take care of myself in the way that I needed to and please someone else. It wasn't an easy decision, but we need to keep ourselves safe and happy. I had to focus on myself and give myself the care and love I needed.

One of the biggest parts of recovery is being selfish. Not selfish in the sense that we think the world revolves around us, but selfish in the sense that we cannot give our love to other people when we cannot find love to give ourselves. Everyone deserves to love themselves no matter their size, shape, color, health status, personality, or life situation. All these things are factors that make us unique, but so often, we view these characteristics as flaws or ugly parts of us. In reality, these are the things that make us human; the human body is beautiful. Each cell in our body is performing a specific function to keep us alive. Trillions of cells working to keep your heart pumping, your brain working, and your lungs breathing. How amazing is that?

Throughout the rest of my winter break, I became unsure of if I could go back to school for second semester. Everyone close to me was very encouraging that I could go back and be successful. I listened and went back second semester. I moved out of my dorm and moved into a new apartment, so I could control the food situation and have somewhat of a fresh start. As much as I wish it did, this didn't help.

I was in desperate need of help. I couldn't get out of bed to go to class. I couldn't get out of bed and make myself something to eat. Out of nowhere, an old friend of mine reached out to me because he had an inclination that things weren't going well for me (not lying, God incidence). Knowing my history with my ED and depression, he wanted to be there just in case I needed someone. Little did he know how much I needed someone right then. He helped me come to terms with the fact that if I stayed at school, I wasn't going to get better, and I would be risking so much with my education.

The next day, I called my parents and told them I needed to come home; I needed to learn to love myself again.

Since then, I've worked endlessly through these emotions and processed everything I was feeling. I have come so far. I've written about how I finally am myself again because I truly am. But that doesn't mean I'm going back to school without any apprehensions. I'm going back with the fear that things won't be different. I'm going back with the fear that I will lose all the progress I've made during the eight months of therapy and self love I've done while being home. I fear that I can't really be fixed.

But with any emotion, I have to make sense of it and find the reality of what I'm feeling versus the false beliefs my mind has led me to believe. By doing this, I can process that my fears come from previous experiences. It is completely legit to have these fears, yet I also can process that I have grown so much. I know how to make things different and avoid the same habits and behaviors I had before.

We can avoid negative habits and behaviors by being conscious of our actions and thoughts. Negative feelings are going to come, and we all have to be able to cope with them. By coping, I mean we find ways to keep the negative feelings from becoming a negative thought or action. So often, people think coping is just ignoring the problem, but I have learned that coping is acknowledging the problem and changing the outcome. For example, when I have a negative feeling about going back to school, I automatically think about why that negativity isn't going to dictate my thoughts. I'm not going to tell myself that I am wasting my time and should just deal with the fact that I have depression. I'm not going to stay in for the night seeping in negativity. Instead, I'm going to acknowledge the feeling, but then, I will engage my thoughts and actions by stimulating one of my senses. This is my favorite way I've learned to cope. I view my negative feelings as the way my mind reminds me to spend time focusing on and loving myself. It gives me a pause in my day to appreciate who I am. Here are some of my favorite ways to do this:

Smell: Lighting a candle, making a fresh pot of coffee (Starbucks only, duh), changing into a new, clean shirt, putting on my diffuser, or popping popcorn.

Sight: Revisit old pictures of happy moments (I have an album specifically for this), coloring, or moving things around in my room for a new feel.

Taste: coffee (or coffee flavored anything), popsicles, a piece of gum, popcorn, fro-yo, or a spoonful of peanut butter.

Sound: music (with positive messages not sad music), the sound of crackling candles (you can buy specific candles that crackle more than normal candles), and calling someone I love on the phone to hear their voice.

Touch: throwing a sweatshirt or blanket into the dryer for it to be warm, a super cold or super hot shower, standing in the sun, standing in the rain (the best ever), putting on my favorite lotion, brushing my hair, or changing into my favorite pants and sweater.

I am intentional about doing one or more of these things when I have negative feelings. The key to this helping is that when you sip your favorite drink or light your favorite candle, really experience it and acknowledge the flavor or scent. Don't just take it for the way it is every other time you experience it. Take it as a blessing to be able to taste it or smell it and experience every aspect of it. This may sound ridiculous, but I promise it is so helpful.

Remind yourself that your body is incredible, and it brings so much joy and life to you. Think about the part of your body you hate the most, and realize that without it, you wouldn't be complete. We take for granted all that our bodies do for us (I'm guilty of this). When we hate them and hurt them, we are spending energy that we could be using to love on our bodies and treat them with care.

Thank your body for being able to taste food, hear music, feel warmth, smell chocolate, and see sunsets. You were given a gift that not only allows you to exist, but it allows you to live. By creating habits like these, it prevents us from falling into the trap of negativity. I know how hard it is to get out of that trap once you're in it. It can seem impossible and sometimes useless to even try and help yourself. My hope is that with the conscious effort of our thoughts and actions, we can prevent getting caught up in downward spirals of negativity.

If you're in the place where you feel it is useless to even try and help yourself, ask for help because it is nearly impossible to do all of this alone. It is a lot of work. I had to keep my parents informed about my intentions, so that when I wasn't able to do it on my own, they helped remind and encourage me to work on my intentionality. I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you be intentional. You may need a hand to hold, and even if you don't, it will feel great to have someone by your side as you work your way out of the trap.

It's not perfect, and we aren't perfect. There are going to be times that you can't work through every feeling, and that's normal. I've been doing it for years now, and I am no where near perfect in doing this. If you do fall into the negative feelings and have negative thoughts or actions, it is important that you acknowledge it happened. Acknowledge it and learn from it because it is an opportunity to grow.

As I move back to school, I need to be focused on my intentionality, so I can have experiences that allow me to grow even further as a person; I am so excited for this. I cannot wait to be myself and discover more about what life has to offer. My hope is that you can use this to love yourself and bring positivity into your life, so the negativity doesn't try to pull you down with it.

XO

-Mal