Middle Man

Middle Man

A battle of "who I want to be" vs. "who I am".
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As a twenty-year-old girl, it is safe to say that I have had my fair share of insecurities and self-worth issues brought to light over the span of my life. I am brought into the interrogation room over and over again, in hopes that maybe this time the light is shed on my faults that it won't hurt nearly as bad. However, that is not always the case.

I am constantly in this battle with myself of "who I want to be" versus "who I actually am".

Confidence in teenage girls and boys, unfortunately, is an endangered species. It's even becoming a social norm that we analyze and pick ourselves apart to the point where we don't feel good about ourselves, that we are not enough for ourselves. And if we are not enough for ourselves, how could we possibly be enough for the people around us?

Well, I set out on a mission to make this "not enough" nonexistent.

Unfortunately, my efforts to vanquish not being enough took a turn for the worst, and I got stuck with the other evil stepsister of this idea that a person can be "too much". Here's the thing: I have a lot of feelings, and often times, this isn't really seen as a fatal flaw, but it is something I am constantly struggling with due to the sheer fact that people in my life have told me I can be "too much" to handle because

I feel too much.

I am too sure of what I want.

I am swimming out into the deep end too quickly.

You see, I am certain of the things that I am looking for and the things that I need in order to reach my full potential as a person in the world and as a servant in the Kingdom of God. I have priorities that I am not willing to compromise because I know what God has called me to do. I am passionate about my calling and about the people who are going to be in my life as I do my best to fulfill that. So, if I feel a certain way about somebody or something, I'm going, to be honest about it. But here's the tricky part:

Sometimes, people are not always ready to hear how you feel. Sometimes, people don't want to know how you feel.Sometimes, people will tell you that what you're feeling is too much--that you are too much.

For a long time, I was constantly trying to find the balance between these two "evils" because maybe if I found a happy medium, I'd be the perfect amount of person for the people in my life.

NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE ALREADY THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF PERSON, AND IF PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU DIFFERENT, THOSE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.

So, yeah I feel a lot.

So, yeah, I am sure of what I want.

So, yeah, I am ready to tread the water. I am ready to be who my maker created me to be.

He didn't create us in a box, so why should we keep putting ourselves there? We are simply enough, not because our friends tell us so, not because our family tells us so, not because our teachers or peers tell us so, but simply because God tells us so. The happy medium between these two ideas of image destruction isn't possible if we are trying to be something that we are not. The happy medium is understanding that God loved us enough THEN to make our personalities individualized and unique, and that he loves us enough NOW to be our middle man when we can't find the perfect balance.

"Do this because you are a people set apart as holy to God, your God. God, your God, chose you out of all the people on Earth for himself as a cherished, personal treasure." (Deuteronomy 7:6)

Cover Image Credit: my photo

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.
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Hey,

So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?

Sincerely,

Me

Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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How Incorporating Organization In My Daily Routine Single-Handedly Changed My Life

And how it can structure yours.

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It would be a complete fabrication of the truth if I pretended that my life in any way has been picture perfect. Things are messy, life is messy, and my life becomes an endless cycle of self provoked destruction.

I've had short bursts of motivation as a last expedient to seize control of the downward spiral I have endured. But mostly they have diminished along with any motivation I have left.

None of these short term solutions have yet to salvage my mental, physical, and academic state. SO, as an attempt to overhaul my life, I decided the best way to strive for control, is to organize every aspect of my life.

Yes, this could become unhealthy if I used this tactic as a way to tear myself down or over analyze my accomplishments, or lack thereof. But I try to view my life as something I have a say in while considering that not everything will be perfect or completely satisfy my goals for myself.

To successfully enact this measure, I try to never go into a day unaware of what I must accomplish, what tasks/work I have to attend to, and stocked with a full calendar and set of alarms that prevent me from missing deadlines. Although mildly time-consuming to detail my life in advance, it is greatly beneficially outweighed through the amount of time this tactic saves me.

Recently, I have noticed how much happier I have been, and feel as if my life is back on track and it's future in my hands. This has allowed me to work an upwards of 50 something hours a week, see and manage friends, read and keep up with hobbies, as well as give me peace of mind and time to relax with loved ones.

I am grateful for the role that organization has played in my life and suggest that everyone incorporate some type of underlying structure in their lives, to realize that anything is achievable with proper organizational preparation.


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