Microaggressions are phrases, thoughts, or actions we take in our everyday life that subtly take a stab at a marginalized group of people. Sometimes these are blatant and obvious, and other times, they are hidden by good intentions. You might be trying to compliment someone, but your choice of words leaves the person feeling alienated or ostracized.
In many cases, you may be labeled a racist, homophobe, or bigot, which may offend you in response. Instead of immediately jumping to your own defense and fighting with the person you were just trying to compliment, consider how the words you said might have hurt the recipient.
To understand what makes a phrase a microaggression, let's look at some commonly used phrases that have good intentions but poor wording.
1. Gender-oriented Microaggressions: “Quit your bitching,” “stop being a pussy,” or “man up”
These phrases can be used in a "tough love" kind of way — Maybe it's a man-to-man talk between a father and a son, or it is a coach trying to motivate his team — In any situation, talk like this promotes gender inequality. Here, the microaggression takes a pot shot at women, signifying them as a lesser or inferior gender. While this might just be treated as "guy talk" or "locker room talk," it can have serious lasting consequences, especially when directed towards someone who is living with depression (see my other article on how to talk to somebody living with depression). Instead, I would recommend encouraging phrases, such as, "you got this," "I believe in you," and "we can do this together."
2. Race-oriented Microaggressions: “You’re pretty for a black girl,” “I’m really into Asian women,” “Where are you really from?”
Artist Kiyun Kim published this fantastic photo series in 2013 about racial microaggressions. It has since went viral, appearing on Buzzfeed, Huffingtonpost, The Telegraph, GLAAD, and more.
There's a scene in one of my favorite shows of all time, "Parks and Recreation," where Amy Poehler's character is having a one-on-one conversation with Aziz Ansari's character. She asks him, "Where are you from?" and he responds with "South Carolina." Then to follow up, Poehler's character continues, "OK, but where did you MOVE from?" to which Ansari's character shrugs and says, "My mom's uterus?" This is such an incredible scene and speaks a lot to microaggressions those of us from non-Anglo Saxon heritage have to put up with.
While your curiosity of someone's nationality, race, ethnicity, or background might be a fun fact for you, for someone who is a person of color, it is a visible difference that they cannot hide.
For example, by saying, "You're really pretty for a black girl," you compliment the person in an underhanded way, inadvertently saying, "Black women aren't pretty, but you are the exception." For a suggestion here, I would just say, "You're really pretty." Omitting the use of race keeps your compliment good-natured and wholesome. If you're Caucasian, you probably would not say, "You're really pretty for a white girl," so why would you specify for a person of color?
3. Sexuality-oriented Microaggressions: “Everyone has a ‘gay’ phase in college,” “That’s so gay!,” or “No homo.”
LGBTQ acceptance is still relatively new in our society, whether we acknowledge it or not. This community is commonly used as the butt of jokes, and these microaggressions overlap a lot with the examples used in example one. The truth of the matter is that someone's sexuality, whether you support it or not, is targeted when you say things like, "that's so gay!"
Sexuality is a challenging subject, as Americans are still deeply Christian in their views. Wherever you land on this topic, understand that these phrases similarly invalidate a person's identity.
Instead of "that's so gay," I'd recommend just saying what you mean. Are you saying that something is strange? Say, "that's so strange." That's odd? Say, "that's odd." As for "no homo," I'd suggest getting over your insecurities. If you identify as male and you are weirded out by another male touching you, you have got deeper issues than can be solved in a 600-800 word article.
I hope that by now you understand how microaggressions take many forms in our daily lives. There is so much more to go into here, and this article only scratches the surface. The important thing to keep in mind is that if your compliment, phrase, or insult uses someone's identity as a key part of it, chances are it is a microaggression. If this article resonated with you, I encourage you to do your own research.
Taking a microaggression out of your daily language might seem like an inconvenience to you, but it could mean saving your relationship with a friend.
