This one is for you.
You who, once upon a time, was there when we needed you the most. In a time where everything felt like chaos, you arrived and offered stability to a household of scattered jigsaw pieces. You were far from perfect, but your flaws showed an individual that was right at home with the rest of us. I was the closest you had to a child in a long time, and while I would never be a substitute for the loss you had faced so long ago, we managed to scrape by sharing a relationship of something along the lines of mutual respect.
You who, after several years, faced major medical complications which caused irreparable damage to your body and mind. You had suffered the kind of damage that doctors were sure you would not come back from, and for once you needed us to be there for you. I was willing, and I made room in my heart for the change that was to take place, but I could never have known just how bad things would get. In the years since your degradation, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer safe around you.
You who, day after day, take out the frustrations of your unjust life on everyone around you, on the people who care and want nothing but what is best for you. Sometime after the degradation, after we downsized to an affordable place to call home, you directed every ounce of anger you could muster my way. I knew it wasn't your fault, that I needed to be brave for the people who worked hard to support you and myself, but I was not being brave. I let you tear me down every day until I had nothing left. I was stupid, and that is the biggest regret of my life.
You who, every minute, berated me with your insults, your threats, and on the rare occasion that I didn't pay attention, your weak, flesh and bone fist. I heard everything you had to say, even when all everyone recommended was ignoring you, I listened and soaked in every last insult. I believed that I was worthless, that I should die, that I would always be a failure, that I would never make it if I pursued my dreams. I let your anger with the world infect my motivation to get out of bed each morning, and I've lived under that shadow for far too long.
You who, every second, climbs into my hopeful thoughts with your doubt and shatters the confidence I once took pride in. I've wanted to hate you for so long, but hate is exhausting and I just don't have the energy for that. When things got really bad, I always reminded myself not to blame you because what happened to you is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So now, in order to rid myself of the anger you've left with me, I wish only to say one thing. One thing that I might never have the strength or courage to say to your face.
I forgive you, but I can never again allow you to be a part of my life.
