A Message To The Man That Broke Me

A Message To The Man That Broke Me

Here's to moving forward with our heads held high.
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This one is for you.

You who, once upon a time, was there when we needed you the most. In a time where everything felt like chaos, you arrived and offered stability to a household of scattered jigsaw pieces. You were far from perfect, but your flaws showed an individual that was right at home with the rest of us. I was the closest you had to a child in a long time, and while I would never be a substitute for the loss you had faced so long ago, we managed to scrape by sharing a relationship of something along the lines of mutual respect.

You who, after several years, faced major medical complications which caused irreparable damage to your body and mind. You had suffered the kind of damage that doctors were sure you would not come back from, and for once you needed us to be there for you. I was willing, and I made room in my heart for the change that was to take place, but I could never have known just how bad things would get. In the years since your degradation, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer safe around you.

You who, day after day, take out the frustrations of your unjust life on everyone around you, on the people who care and want nothing but what is best for you. Sometime after the degradation, after we downsized to an affordable place to call home, you directed every ounce of anger you could muster my way. I knew it wasn't your fault, that I needed to be brave for the people who worked hard to support you and myself, but I was not being brave. I let you tear me down every day until I had nothing left. I was stupid, and that is the biggest regret of my life.

You who, every minute, berated me with your insults, your threats, and on the rare occasion that I didn't pay attention, your weak, flesh and bone fist. I heard everything you had to say, even when all everyone recommended was ignoring you, I listened and soaked in every last insult. I believed that I was worthless, that I should die, that I would always be a failure, that I would never make it if I pursued my dreams. I let your anger with the world infect my motivation to get out of bed each morning, and I've lived under that shadow for far too long.

You who, every second, climbs into my hopeful thoughts with your doubt and shatters the confidence I once took pride in. I've wanted to hate you for so long, but hate is exhausting and I just don't have the energy for that. When things got really bad, I always reminded myself not to blame you because what happened to you is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So now, in order to rid myself of the anger you've left with me, I wish only to say one thing. One thing that I might never have the strength or courage to say to your face.

I forgive you, but I can never again allow you to be a part of my life.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.
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Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

30. Curious

And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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An Open Letter To The Girl Who Just Feels... Alone

Because "look around you, you aren't alone," is cliché and helps no one. I've been there.

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Dear strong soul,

You feel alone now more than ever. Your recent move/breakup/relationship/mistake/change in character has brought you to this point, and you don't know what to do. I want to write to you to prove that I am here, and you aren't alone.

Guess what? We get to grow!

I know you feel like no one knows you can feel your heart breaking and that you feel lost and isolated. Please, resist the urge to compare yourself to the people around you. In an age where it seems we're constantly reduced to a social image and a following we can display online, it's difficult now more than ever to "see" loneliness. In the same way, you often feel like your loneliness is masked by the image you let people around you see, you don't see half of what those around you're struggling with.

You don't see that you're not alone.

Ask yourself, what does it matter if those around you are less lonely than you are? You're YOU. You are special no matter who's around you succeeding in their own ways. You will get to the place you want to be.

This stage of life is normal and it's temporary.

You should take this time to pour yourself into what you're best at; you're so talented! Create art. Treat yourself. Grow flowers. Learn how to do something you've never tried before Don't be afraid to try new things! If you focus less on digging yourself out of loneliness and spend more time embracing this stage of life and growing strong, you'll be so much happier.

Lastly, don't lose heart. We got this. You're doing an amazing job.

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