Today, I decided I wasn't going to take my antidepressant anymore. I didn't split them up and take only half a pill to wean myself off of them or do it slowly. I just stopped. Am I prescribed them daily? Yes. Do they stabilize my moods, and keep me from having panic attacks? Absolutely. Why did I decide to stop taking them you ask? Every once in awhile, I feel as if I am okay without my medication. I feel as if I am ready now, and I can do it all on my own. Am I wrong? one hundred percent.
For a few days, I will be fine because the medication hasn't been flushed from my system, everything will continue as normal until it isn't anymore. Around day four or five, when I can tell I haven't taken my meds. My body starts to feel "funny" I will have a few headaches here and there, and if you look at me wrong, I am going to cry, there's no doubt.
Taking medication for anxiety can be embarrassing sometimes, to feel as if you have to rely on a pill to function everyday just as other people can by just waking up and breathing. It seems unfair. How is it that I have to take a pill every day so that I don't spin out, cry all day, and panic constantly? I had to somehow retrain myself and get used to a new normal, a new me. I had to try out many different medications, some made me feel like a zombie, and some didn't do the job required.
Anxiety is an illness. It isn't a cold, or strep throat, it will not go away with a days rest or a couple of doses of ibuprofen, trust me, I've tried it. It is debilitating at times, it can turn your mood in 2.5 seconds from happy to crying in the middle of a classroom full of twenty people who don't even know you. It doesn't care if you have plans for the day, or have a big event, it will cripple you at any time. A body full of cold sweats, shaking, and hyperventilation. A sentence I hate writing, a sentence that makes my body ache, and scares me all at the same time. It's the cold, hard truth. Anxiety is ugly.
When you decide to stop taking your antidepressant because you are "Okay" please don't do it. As much as you feel that you are cured and you think you will be able to take on this crazy life without the guidance of medicine, don't do it. Taking medication to "make you happy" doesn't make you any weaker of a person, it doesn't even make you any different than your average joe. Everyone needs a little guidance at times, ours just happens to come in pill form and it assures us we stay calm, happy, and panic free. What more could you ask for? So tonight, or in the morning, take your happy pill with pride, and know, you are going to be okay, and the best is yet to come.
xo, z
