I am a rather polite person. I do not like causing true conflict unless it is a debate or friendly banter. I love helping people, and I am always there to comfort a friend and offer a shoulder or some advice. I befriend people quickly, and I do not like bullies. It is odd though… because, sometimes, I am one.

I can have a bit of a mean streak, and it is something I am ashamed of and have worked at distancing myself from that level of viciousness. I do not even understand why I was so mean when I was. I used to fight because I wanted to defend people from bullies, not out of ill intent, yet I can recall at least two spans of my life where I was the bully with no reason to be so cruel.

They are not pleasant times to look back at because my targets did not deserve the treatment, and I did my best to make up for it as far as I can remember. I made up to the people I tormented, and I even became one's friend a year later.

Even though I do not seek out to bully people anymore thankfully, it does not mean I am always nice. I am a very blunt person who has learned to maintain a fairly functional filter that prevents me from being too frank with people. I usually attempt to soften the blows of my words because I cannot often stop the actual comments or observations I make unconsciously. My friends actually find it funny how honest I can be even if I did not intend to be funny or to be so tactless.

However, as the day wears on and my filter frays due to tiredness, if someone gets on my bad side or has wronged me in some perceived way, I go from blunt to brutal, and my comments are no longer unconscious slips of the tongue but targeted attacks. I am sorry for it... though often it comes too late because the remorse comes during the aftermath of me already lashing out with harsh words.

I became aware of how bad I can get recently because I hurt a friend in a way I have never really done before. It is odd. I have never been on the unforgiven side of a dispute of my own making, and it is as I still wait to see if I can rebuild the burnt bridge that I have realized my brutal honesty is not funny or something that should be cheered on and approved of at the moment. It is a flaw, one I should deal with lest I hurt more people.

I am not saying I will not be honest anymore or that I will sugarcoat things and beat around the bush, something I find distasteful on either side. I am blunt, and I do not mind it too terribly because it gets things dealt with directly and much quicker than other methods. Plus, it is a personality quirk, benign if controlled. However, I must also be aware of the effect my words can have, especially when I am in a negative mindset.

So I am here making a promise. I am called to love my neighbor as myself and to do so, I must be honest with those around me because I myself value truth.

What I will work on, though, is learning how to speak honesty out of love and compassion rather than hurt and spite. My words should be used to comfort and, sometimes, correct, but I should never tear someone down. They do not deserve it, and I particularly dislike the guilt that comes as a consequence when my ire has settled down.

So, I am sure I am not the only person with a mean streak, an ugly side that rears its head on many unsuspecting and few deserving people alike, and even though it is not my intent to hurt people, it does not excuse the fact that I do. I here state that I will go forward seeking to be honest but kind and to love not to maim with my words. I can be mean, and it is about time I stopped getting away with it.