Today on What strange existential crisis is Olivia dealing with now? We discuss: How the Marvel Cinematic Universe is definitely going to outlive me and probably you, too.
Hear me out: it’s basically immortal. And it’s practically unkillable. I mean, just think about the Spiderman movies. We’ve now gone through two separate reboots since the Tobey Maguire trilogy. We’ve had three different Peter Parkers in less than 20 years. We’ve reincarnated Uncle Ben twice just to kill him each time. And everyone’s getting younger, somehow. The newest Spidey is actually a teenager (at least, he was when "Civil War" was filming) instead of a fluffy haired 30-year-old with a baby face who must have conned himself into high school (love you, Andrew!) or a, well, Tobey Maguire.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing the Marvel movies by any means. Who doesn’t love the action, excitement, and camaraderie of it all? Who wouldn’t want to witness Vin Diesel as the voice of a tiny, loveable tree creature? Who could ever get tired of the confusing sexual tension between literally every member of the Avengers? I know I can’t.
All I’m saying is that when I think about the MCU, I am forced to face my own mortality. There are already movies planned for years that don’t even sound real to me. Honestly, I could easily be dead before the fifth Avengers movie hits theaters. I may truly never even see the day Black Widow gets her own solo movie. I could realistically never live to see the eighth Spiderman reboot (who, by the way, I imagine as a toddler and finally not a white dude).
We’re going to get to the point where we’ll have to develop medical miracles just to keep Chris Evans and Robert Downey, Jr. alive. And you know that technology will be given to celebrities first just to ensure cinematic continuity if nothing else. I will be lying on my deathbed, surrounded by my cats waiting eagerly to consume my wrinkled flesh, and Scarlett Johansson will be at the newest movie premiere looking younger and healthier than she does now.
OH, MY GOD — Stan Lee! How could I have forgotten? Scientists are probably already hard at work on keeping him alive so he can continue to delight audiences with his cameos. Or, well, I guess there’s always the option of CGI-ing him Grand Moff Tarkin-style, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
Anyway, I guess what it does come down to is this: I am going to be outlived by a movie franchise that boasts Bradley Cooper as a machine gun-wielding raccoon. And it should probably make me more upset than it does. But, well, I guess there are worse things to be outlived by, like your arch nemesis, that piece of cheese you lost under the fridge, or the creation you devoted your life to that suddenly turned on you at your most vulnerable and ended your life out of spite.
But I digress. Art is meant to outlast its creators, right? I didn’t create or contribute to the MCU in any tangible way except ticket sales, but I suppose there is some comfort in that.
