At the beginning of this semester I was talking to my sister about life now versus the past year. I said that I never really felt emotions very strongly one way or the other. I didn't have any particularly happy moments, but nor did I have any sad ones. I contrasted that with the variety of emotions I feel now and my sister said that it sounded like I learned how to live.
Those words struck me and I came to realize that, up until recently, I had only managed to get through life. I went through what I felt I needed to and slowly whittled at a few of my goals. It was a intensely stable life. On one level such a life isn't really all that bad, the stability it gave me was quite comforting and shut out many issues I might have had.
But now I've opened up Pandora's Box and chaos has infiltrated my life. Nothing seems stable and everything can change at a moments notice. This dramatic change left me floundering for a while and I still am, albeit much less than before. Yet, for all this chaos, I don't think I'd go back. I will admit I would like more stability, but the chaos has forced me to put myself out of my comfort zone and really grow as a person.
Life is a mess and it always will be, but I've come to appreciate the moments of real happiness that come in suddenly and bloom within your heart. They may disappear as quickly as they came, but the memory of them will linger after.
It is a bit depressing to know that nothing will be stable. There will be no perfect situation where life is great and it will be great until you die. There is no magical place where all your dreams come true. There is no end until it all ends at once.
But there is a rocky road with beautiful flowers. Life can be a bland street in a boring town or it can be a chaotic trek through the jungle. There are moments of beauty and moments of fear, and that is what makes it worth walking. The other can easily lose meaning and then you have to ask yourself why.
This is significantly more depressing than I wanted, but I've experienced both ways of living life and embracing the chaos is the best way to do it. Those moments of sheer bliss and joy are what make life amazing, I would never want to give up even just the hope of those moments.
