I have loved and have lost once again; I've given my heart to a man that I loved, and I mean really loved, but in the end, I was the only one in that relationship. In the end, I find out he never truly loved me or even cared. It was I who did most of the loving, caring, giving, and showing affection, but never getting anything in return. What I hate about my choice was that I saw all the red flags but I ignored them because I was so in love with this man. I thought I could love him so much I could change him so he could love me even just a little bit.
There would months where I thought things would change if I would continuously be the woman he wanted me to be or do the things he wanted. I forgot who I was and submerged myself into him, doing things he liked. It was all about him while I was suffering from the loss of my true identity. I could care less about myself because all I wanted was to be next to him and make him see that I was the one for him. I wanted to show him I could be that love he never had. Having him next to me was like the fresh, sweet-smelling cool breeze -- having him next to me always made me feel so happy, like a kid who got offered a sweet delight.
Looking in from the outside, we looked great together. On the inside, I was slowly dying because behind closed doors, the verbal abuse continued and I didn't care. I just wanted to be next to him. I continued loving him because of how I felt about him, which was crazy because how could I still want to be around someone who puts me down constantly? I am perfect -- I have made some mistakes too, and two wrongs don't make a right, but the repercussions I received from him when something went wrong were so inhuman.
I told myself I was so stupid because I knew he didn’t love me, but still, there I was with him. I didn’t want to be with anyone else but him, and he knew this. He knew how deep my love goes for him and he knew how much I cared for him. I was head over heels for this man who was empty on the inside with no true love to give. The one thing I saw in him made me just want to stay forever. Anyone who has been so deeply in love with someone understands -- you can't let go. You can't explain the feeling you have for someone who treats you so poorly, and you stay just to try to fix it. Does that make me look like I have low-self esteem? I tolerated this type of action towards myself. Why can't I leave him... why?
I looked in the mirror one morning after he left for work -- that was the morning we had a fight. We almost got physical but he laid his hand down when
I continued putting up with the emotional abuse because he is my addiction and
As much as I love him and I really want to be with him, I know
They will run away because of my
The time had come when I finally made up my mind and left him but my heart and body wanted him back. I have been in
"Healing takes so long, but the peace it brings is so