I have loved and have lost once again; I've given my heart to a man that I loved, and I mean really loved, but in the end, I was the only one in that relationship. In the end, I find out he never truly loved me or even cared. It was I who did most of the loving, caring, giving, and showing affection, but never getting anything in return. What I hate about my choice was that I saw all the red flags but I ignored them because I was so in love with this man. I thought I could love him so much I could change him so he could love me even just a little bit.

There would months where I thought things would change if I would continuously be the woman he wanted me to be or do the things he wanted. I forgot who I was and submerged myself into him, doing things he liked. It was all about him while I was suffering from the loss of my true identity. I could care less about myself because all I wanted was to be next to him and make him see that I was the one for him. I wanted to show him I could be that love he never had. Having him next to me was like the fresh, sweet-smelling cool breeze -- having him next to me always made me feel so happy, like a kid who got offered a sweet delight.

Looking in from the outside, we looked great together. On the inside, I was slowly dying because behind closed doors, the verbal abuse continued and I didn't care. I just wanted to be next to him. I continued loving him because of how I felt about him, which was crazy because how could I still want to be around someone who puts me down constantly? I am perfect -- I have made some mistakes too, and two wrongs don't make a right, but the repercussions I received from him when something went wrong were so inhuman.

I told myself I was so stupid because I knew he didn’t love me, but still, there I was with him. I didn’t want to be with anyone else but him, and he knew this. He knew how deep my love goes for him and he knew how much I cared for him. I was head over heels for this man who was empty on the inside with no true love to give. The one thing I saw in him made me just want to stay forever. Anyone who has been so deeply in love with someone understands -- you can't let go. You can't explain the feeling you have for someone who treats you so poorly, and you stay just to try to fix it. Does that make me look like I have low-self esteem? I tolerated this type of action towards myself. Why can't I leave him... why?

I looked in the mirror one morning after he left for work -- that was the morning we had a fight. We almost got physical but he laid his hand down when I said: What now? Are you going to hit me? I asked myself: what am I doing here? What am I teaching my children if they see this type of emotional and verbal abuse? How will they perceive their mom? Will they look at me as a weak little witch, especially my ten-year-old daughter? What would I be teaching her as a young woman? There is no way I can let her see this and think it was ok for a man to treat her like this too. This is not love. So do I run or do I stay because of "love?"

I continued putting up with the emotional abuse because he is my addiction and I needed him. He made me feel so good even when I know he was so bad for my self-esteem. I didn't want to leave him because the love I had for him was so strong but I had to be strong for myself and my children. Why does love have to hurt so much? I was the only one loving and he did not love me even a fraction of what I did. I must leave. I must go. I don't want to suffer this pain anymore, but if I leave, will I find someone who will love me again? Where will I find someone to love me? Who will want to bother with a mom of two?

As much as I love him and I really want to be with him, I know I deserve better. I know that I can be loved by someone who genuinely sees me and cherishes me for who I am and who will want to love and care for me. I just don't know if I do deserve to be loved anymore because I'm so hung up on "him" and just all about pleasing "him." Who's going to want to love a broken woman like me? Who would want to be bothered with a woman with two kids?

They will run away because of my baggage, but I know I have to try and move on because it hurts to hear him degrade me. I am so tired of hearing him call me all types of nasty names and telling me I am not worth it, knowing he is only stringing me along, telling me there are tons of women who will do anything to have him, and telling me I should be happy he keeps me around. He is the best I will ever have is what he used to tell me. Finally, I packed my bags and took the kids away because he finally said it: "I never loved you anyway."

The time had come when I finally made up my mind and left him but my heart and body wanted him back. I have been in an ex-withdrawal stage, and it has been a war between what my heart wants and what my mind knows is right. It's been six months I have been recovering from a toxic lover. Now I am in a better head space and my heart is slowing healing and self-love has become my new and only drug.

"Healing takes so long, but the peace it brings is so amazing because healing and recovering people know the difference for next time." C.Golding