My Friends And I Aren’t That Close Anymore But I Still Love Them

My Friends And I Aren’t That Close Anymore But I Still Love Them

Because memories are just as powerful as making new adventures.

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When I started college, I knew that to assimilate better to life there, I should join a club. It took a while to find the right group; I didn't want to surround myself with facetious or obnoxious people after all.

I eventually found a club that valued spirituality and faith. The group of college Christians welcomed me with joy and laughter. Even though I had issues with mental illness, they focused on my identity as a Christian rather than my depression. They encouraged me to be more open and have faith.

Some graduated and moved away for better career opportunities. Some interned at the club or stayed involved somehow. But those who I was close within the club preferred to keep their distance. After one of my friends' engagement fell through, she didn't crave intimacy with the others from the group. So then it became only the five of us.

Two friends out of my group were more focused on their academics and gossiping; they eventually left and found new people to hang out with. Then I removed myself from the group due to feelings of insecurity. It wasn't until I reached out when I felt lonely that I realized though that I could still have the greatest friendships despite not being close to each other anymore.

I want to say that I don't have anything against them for the dissipation of our friendships. But when it was happening, I didn't. I was very resentful for watching my friendships fall apart, and so quickly. I wanted to repair them.

But it takes two to fix any relationship. While I wanted my friends back, they had to want me back too. It almost hurt when they moved on. It felt like they were rejecting me.

I learned that my friendships will bring out the best in me and my worst. So when I reached out, it was my way of making peace with not only them but myself. I couldn't beat myself up for having any friends because I did. I just didn't have them presently.

I also learned that I can still love my friends for what they had taught me. I can still honor them and send them a text saying, "thinking of you." Because our lives are mainly there, in the experiences we have had with one another, and not the number of friends on our social media accounts.

You make friends as a way to connect to something larger than yourself. It's a conscious choice. Probably one of the most valuable too because your friends will mold you into the type of person you're going to be.

So even though my friends from college and I are no longer close, I still have to thank them for all the memories we've had. Out-of-state conferences and late nights full of singing. Having in-depth conversations about God and faith. And I love them despite being distant now because they've shown me how to grow in faith and as a person.

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I Ghosted My Old Self For 5 Months In An Effort To Reevaluate My Life

My life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

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BREAKING (not fake) NEWS: It's true, you have to hit your lowest before hitting your highest.

I want to share my lowest with you, and I'm almost ashamed to say it had nothing to do with the loss of both of my parents. I like to think I handled that like a warrior.

Turns out I didn't, and the hurt I've been burying from that hit me all at once, the same moment my life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

My life flipped upside down overnight back in August. I had my heart broken shattered, lost two very important friendships that I thought were with me until the end, lost my 9-5 job, my health took a hit stronger than a boulder, and I was absolutely lost. For the first time, ever, I let go of the reigns on my own life. I had no idea how to handle myself, how to make anyone around me happy, how to get out of bed or how to even begin the process of trying to process what the f*ck just happened. I was terrified.

Coming from the girl who never encountered a dilemma she couldn't fix instantaneously, on her own, with no emotional burden. I was checked out from making my life better. So I didn't try. I didn't even think about thinking about trying.

The only relatively understandable way I could think to deal with anything was to not deal with anything. And that's exactly what I did. And it was f*cking amazing.

I went into hiding for a week, then went on a week getaway with my family, regained that feeling of being loved unconditionally, and realized that's all I need. They are all I need. Friends? Nah. Family. Only. Always.

On that vacation, I got a call from the school district that they wanted me in for an interview the day I come home. It was for a position that entailed every single class, combined, that I took in my college career. It was a career that I had just gotten my degree for three months before.

I came home and saw my doctor and got a health plan in order. I was immediately thrown into the month-long hiring process for work. I made it a point to make sunset every single night, alone, to make sure I was mentally caught up and in-check at the same exact speed that my life was turning. I was not about to lose my control again. Not ever.

Since August, I have spent more time with family than ever. I've read over 10 new books, I've discovered so much new music, I went on some of my best, the worst and funniest first dates, I made true, loyal friends that cause me zero stress while completely drowning me in overwhelming amounts of love and support, I got back into yoga, and I started that job and damn near fell more in love with it than I ever was for the guy I lost over the summer.

But most importantly, I changed my mindset. I promised myself to not say a single sentence that has a negative tone to it. I promised myself to think three times before engaging in any type of personal conversation. I promised myself to wake up in a good mood every damn day because I'm alive and that is the only factor I should need to be happy.

Take it from a girl who knew her words were weapons and used them frequently before deciding to turn every aspect of her life into positivity — even in the midst of losing one of my closest family members. I have been told multiple times, by people so dear to me that I'm "glowing." You know what I said back? F*ck yes I am, and I deserve to.

I am so happy with myself and it has nothing to do with the things around me. It's so much deeper than that, and I'm beaming with pride. Of myself. For myself.

I want to leave you with these thoughts that those people who have hurt me, left me, and loved me through these last couple of months have taught me

Growth is sometimes a lonely process.
Some things go too deep to ever be forgotten.
You need to give yourself the permission to be happy right now.
You outgrow people you thought you couldn't live without, and you're not the one to blame for that. You're growing.
Sometimes it takes your break down to reach your breakthrough.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

My god, it's so f*cking good.

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To My Roommates During Senior Year: Thanks For Making College 1,982,347,908 Times Better

We freaking made it.

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I dread the classes, I dread the school work and I dread the stress that college brings me. One thing I do not dread though is my roommates.

This past fall semester flew by, and I cannot believe that we only have one more semester left until we enter the real world. Instead of leggings and band tees, we will soon be in blazers and dress pants and I still don't know how I feel about that.

I do know that you all have made my college experience 1,982,347,908 times better. From the late nights staying up watching conspiracy theories about JonBenét Ramsey, our weekly "American Horror Story" viewing parties, and to shoving our faces with Taco Bell at midnight has brought me nothing but pure joy.

We are not roommates, we are sisters. I know that sounds super-duper cheesy but it's true. Not everything has been a ray of freaking sunshine. And by that, I mean we have petty arguments just like sisters do.

But if we didn't have a fight here or there sometimes, then that would just be really weird. Because have you ever heard from anyone about a perfect roommate relationship? Uh no.

As the school load gets bigger, I keep telling myself I can't wait for graduation but I know that graduating means that we will not be able to live together anymore, and that is when I would like to hit the pause button.

Who else will know that I can literally only cook buffalo chicken dip and all the produce that I buy goes to waste within one week? Who else will make me amazing meals that taste like a grandma made it? (Alex) Who else will always be down to run errands with me and hear about my crappy days that I tell dramatically? (Sam) Who else will come with me to every single cover band concert Bluebird puts on and stay out until 4 a.m.? (Sonya) (Even though I'm usually in bed by 11 p.m.)

I cannot thank you enough for all the rides to class because of my poor time management skills which led me to miss the bus, or all the rides from the bar because of Uber's costing an arm and a leg now.

Thank you for keeping me sane when college made me almost lose my sh*t and pull a 2007 Britney. Thank you for always knowing how to have a good time, how to make me forget about all the negativity that was occurring in my life and thank you for being the "perfect" roommates.

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