Mrr was preparing the carcass for dinner. Sure, she could have just left it on the floor of the cave in all its half-decomposed glory and Grr, her husband, still would have devoured it all the same. But they were zombies, not animals, and a little pizzazz never hurt a marriage. She carefully flayed the rotting deer with her bare hands and smeared a little of the blood on her lips and cheeks, trying for that “freshly dead” look that her girlfriends moaned about. She took a glimpse of herself in a pool of water. The cave was quite damp, especially after the flood they had a couple days ago and the dusk sunlight gave her just enough light to see herself. Her reflection in the pool was wonderfully terrifying. Her hair was mangled with blood and leaves. Her skin was rotting nicely, and there was a gaping hole where here nose should have been. She was a little self-conscious about how her eye would sometimes pop out of its socket, but Grr assured her that he always loved to be the one to put it back in.
Grr entered their home just as Mrr was arranging deer parts on the floor. She was going for a flower pattern but she wasn’t sure if it turned out right.
“Grr,” said Grr, which Mrr knew meant, “Honey, I’m home! What’s for dinner?”
“Mrr,” said Mrr, which Grr knew meant, “How was the hunt, dear? Dinner’s on the floor, but it didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it too. I hope you don’t mind.”
Grr kissed Mrr. His lips were mostly decayed, so really the action was more of a gentle knocking together of their heads. Still, Mrr appreciated the sweet gesture. Who said that marriage meant the death of romance?
“Grr,” said Grr, which meant, “Don’t fuss, honey. I’m sure it’s delicious as always.”
Mrr had always thought of Grr as handsome. The way he staggered in that lumbering, manly way, the way his intestines swung gently as he did so, and how his eyes were that beautifully milky color.
They staggered to the floor and demolished the deer corpse until it was nothing but bone, which Mrr would probably use for decoration. Just because they lived in a cave, didn’t mean it had to be a dingy one. Both of them were covered head-to-toe in blood and animal viscera, which Grr found incredibly sexy.
“Grrrrr,” said Grr, which meant, “You look absolutely stunning tonight.”
“Mrr,” said demurely, which meant, “Oh, stop it you. I’m just an old bag of bones.”
Grr grabbed Mrr passionately, causing her eye to pop out again. He placed it gingerly back into her face and caressed her mangled hair.
Just as they were about to close the distance between each other, they heard a twig snap from the outside. They sprang up as quickly as their decaying muscles allowed. Their ears, or what was left of them, twitched at the sound. They both could sense the trouble. They staggered deeper into their cave, letting the darkness be a shroud.
Footsteps could be heard from outside and they weren’t produced by an animal, but by a true monster. Grr and Mrr reached the very back of the cave, which unfortunately wasn’t very far from the cave’s opening. Grr held Mrr in a protective embrace, eyeing the entrance and listening to the footsteps that were drawing ever closer.
Flashlights jerked around by the entrance. They were here.
“Hey, take a look at this,” said a man with a husky voice.
“Seems like we might have found a couple of brain-munchers,” said a man in a nasally voice.
Grr clutched Mrr tighter. Humans were notorious for hunting and killing their kind. Even though zombies never meant humans any harm. The human brain-eating stereotype pervaded, while the truth faded into the background. Zombies only ever hunted animals, and found that they tasted best after decomposing for a while. And zombies couldn’t “turn” people into more zombies. They would just occasionally spring up from a grave and that was that. Although nowadays, humans built metal zombie-proof coffins that made it impossible to rise from the dead, so their numbers had dwindled significantly over time. When Mrr thought about all those poor zombies trapped underground, she would become possessed with grief. Grr, on the other hand, tried not to think about it.
“I wonder if they’re still here,” said Husky.
Nasal sniffed the air. “Judging from that stench, I reckon they are.” The two zombies heard them picking up something, perhaps a stray bone or a heavy branch, anything that could be used as a weapon.
They were getting closer. It would only be seconds until their flashlights caught hold of their huddled forms. As quietly as possible, Grr let go of his wife and picked up his own bone weapon. Mrr did the same. Their forms were as tense as decaying bodies could be.
The light shined upon them, illuminating their ragged forms. “There!” Husky screamed. Grr and Mrr launched forward, whacking blindly at their intruders. But these outsiders were sturdier than their rotting counterparts, and their blows did next to nothing. On the other hand, the men were easily able to knock both Grr and Mrr onto their backs. One of them even tore off Grr’s arm, which cause Mrr to cry out in anguish. “Oh shut it you!” Nasal said, before kicking Mrr in the head, causing her eye to pop out again. Husky squished it beneath his boot. Mrr and Grr struggled but both men had them pinned to the floor with their muddy boots on their chests.
Nasal grinned down at them as they were hopelessly struggling on the cave floor. “This is going to be fun.”
Grr knew what would come next. He saw it happen to his good friend. First, they would torture them, break them apart limb by limb, and then smash their heads to bloody bits, ending their lives. He wouldn’t let it happen to him and he especially wouldn’t let it happen to Mrr, so he did the one thing he could think of and grabbed Nasal’s leg with his good arm and bit into it as hard as he could. Nasal yelped and leapt back. With Grr now free, he used all of his strength to tackle Husky to the ground. And he succeeded. Mrr sprang up and got into fighting position.
“Grr!” said Grr, which meant, “Run, Mrr! I’ll distract them!”
Mrr shook her head desperately, knowing Grr would be doomed if she left him. But Grr urged her again. Husky was already getting to his feet and Nasal was looking red with meanness. It was now or never, so Mrr said, “Mrr,” which Grr knew meant, “I love you.” Then, she disappeared into the woods.
The last word she heard her husband cry out was “Grr,” which she knew meant, “I love you, too.”
