Growing up, I loved being in the spotlight, from ballet recitals, Christmas plays, high school musicals, to college. I loved every bit of it, but then college happened.
I couldn't decide what I wanted to major in once I got accepted to Kennesaw State. I had thought of Education because ever since I was little, I wanted to be a teacher. But I loved theatre so much. I had succeeded in getting lead roles and improving myself in high school that I thought college would be no problem. I was told over and over that the drama competition is relentless and full of divas and fake people. I knew that, but I wanted to do what I love.
Now, here I am almost a Junior in college, changing my major because I grew to resent theatre. I grew to resent everything about myself. This may sound like I'm a whiny child, but I am not kidding when I say that being a theatre major at Kennesaw state means nothing.
Being a theatre major at Kennesaw State means you have it or you don't. the 'it' that I'm referring to is the look of an actress/actor, not the actual acting. You have to really prove yourself and work double if you aren't as attractive or have the right social skills as the 'it' crowd.
I never had the look or social skills, which is fine, I've never cared about that. Directors want you to succeed, but most importantly, they want you to worship the ground they walk on. I've never once kissed a professor's ass to get a role. I worked for it like everyone should and this is how theatre is.
If you don't kiss the directors butt enough, you pretty much learn nothing. You aren't pulled under anyone's wing, you aren't pulled aside in class and given special treatment. You get nothing. I'm going into my fifth semester and I still feel like a freshman. I still don't know my strength and weakness' as an actress because I haven't been given a chance, no matter how hard I tried and put myself out there.
So, I'm giving up. It's not like I'm making room for anyone since I was practically invisible. I also understand that I may sound like a whiny student who didn't get the attention she wanted and I don't care. I'm exhausted from trying to put myself out there and being pushed away. I'm changing my major because theatre isn't fun anymore. It's not something in my dreams. It's something that I roll my eyes over now, and this isn't some Broadway musical or movie where in the end I'll get noticed by some director and live happily ever after in actor world.
This simply just isn't for me. Which is okay, but I'm also tired of people talking up the theatre department when they've never been a part of it. I was shut down day one of freshman year, and I really tried to make friends and work hard but there comes a point where you know it'll never be enough. Who wants friends that you have to force yourself to be around or be in a show because you just want to show everyone except yourself that you're worth something. While I was doing that, I was demoting myself, making myself small.
This is the end of my rant on the TPS department. This is a sad moment because it's like a big 15 yearlong chapter is ending, but it'll work out.