Every woman seems to want the "obsessive" love. I see memes and quotes about it everywhere I turn. "I want a man who wants to know every detail of my day, who gets jealous when I talk to other guys, whose life revolves around me."
Well, I don't.
Maybe it's because I had it. And let me tell you something, it wasn't cute. When I questioned the strength of my relationship, I always heard my family say things like "well, he's a safe bet" or "oh he just cares about you, it's so sweet!"
What was I supposed to find so endearing? When he conveniently showed up to places that he knew I'd be at because he read my Facebook statuses? When I left my phone alone for a couple hours and came back to 16 messages? When he asked who I was looking at if my eyes were wandering, or what was wrong if I sighed involuntarily?
He was my best friend. We did everything together. We went on vacations, to each other's family events, shopping, lots of date nights and date days. We spent a lot of time together and did a lot of fun things.
But, there's doing everything together, and then there's doing everything together. If you cannot separate from your boo for a few hours without them blowing up your phone the whole time asking what you're doing, how's it going, who you're with, what you're doing now, how long you're going to stay, etc., that is doing everything together and it's not romantic.
Our fights were explosive. Screaming, door slamming, storming off. Making a scene in public places over something as trivial as me having the nerve to talk to another one of my friends for 10 whole minutes. He said it was because he cared. Because he loved me. Because he worried about me. Because he just wanted to make sure I was okay or safe or doing well.
I watched an amazing video recently on the topic of jealousy in relationships, and how it is so often perceived as love. The girls presenting said the most incredible thing simultaneously: "I was so captivated by the house he built for me, I didn't notice the locked door. I was captive to this garden of guilt."
I had everything — I had someone who wanted a future with me, marriage, a family. Who would pay for anything and drive me anywhere. Who would go with me to absolutely anything I wanted to go do. And because of these things, I guess he thought the times that I told him he was scaring me were justifiable.
Yes, there were things I loved about him, but he didn't love me. He loved having me. There is a difference.
One girl in this video also said, "Love is not jealousy dressed as protection." There is a difference between being protective and possessive. If you do not feel safe, if you feel overwhelmed and suffocated and nothing you say to them is producing the results you need to feel safe, you need to unlock that locked door. Or break it down.
That house may have been built for you, but you can leave if those walls don't feel like home.
