My Love Hate Relationship with Working Out

My Love Hate Relationship with Working Out

I love it but I still hate it
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In high school I was on the soccer team for two years, track for two years and swim team for three years, as well as taking some sort of gym class every year. Needless to say, I was pretty active. But I never actually worked out in a gym. I always counted on my coaches to tell me what to do and just playing the sport was active enough. I came to college and my first semester took my fitness class but since then I have not be able to keep as active a lifestyle as I would like. I am the type of person that does get a high after working out but actually getting me to the gym was a task in itself. Once at the gym I would not know what to do well, I knew the bike and the stair master. I would not touch a treadmill for the fear of falling and then the elliptical gave me shin splints.

So last semester I joined CHAARG. This is a group for women in college to find their fit and get off the elliptical. I have been able to at least get to the gym once a week for our small group workouts. The accountability of having to go to the small group keeps me going, although I completely have no requirement to go, but having that scheduled allows me to make time. Also having these workouts makes it more interesting than just the two machines at the gym, so I dread it less since I know I will not be bored.

These small groups also help push me since I am someone who likes to look like I can do everything and everything comes easy to me — although I cannot do everything. Since there are girls working out with me, it helps push me since I don't want to look weak. I know there is no judgement and that they are all probably focused on themselves, and it helps me that there are others around. Not only for trying to look strong, but since I am an extreme extrovert working out with others allows me to get energy from those around me! Having both of these pushing factors has allowed me to really get through these work outs, and after I work out I have that post-workout high.

My roommate also made me go to the spin/cycling class that Salisbury offers. I of course was saying I don't want to go and when we first started I hated every part of the class. But once I lowered my seat even more it became more bearable. I have now become obsessed with Spin but of course next Friday when it is time to go I will probably be dreading it but the feeling I get after always makes it worth it.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won’t see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won’t laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won’t go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They’ll miss you. They’ll cry.

You won’t fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won’t get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won’t be there to wipe away your mother’s tears when she finds out that you’re gone.

You won’t be able to hug the ones that love you while they’re waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won’t be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won’t find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won’t celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won’t turn another year older.

You will never see the places you’ve always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You’ll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it’s not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don’t let today be the end.

You don’t have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It’s not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I’m sure you’re no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won’t do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you’ll be fine.” Because when they aren’t, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

For help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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It's OK To Be Happy And Sad At The Same Time—Love, Your Antidepressant

I have to remember the pills are helping me and not labeling me

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In July I wrote about how I went back to therapy and how admitting I needed to go was therapeutic to myself. 8 months later I'm doing a little better, but some days are better than others. I know many people say that with a laugh at the end, but people who live with mental illness this phrase makes us vulnerable, it makes us feel weak at times.

Yet 8 months later, some days are better than others.

It wasn't until a few months ago when I noticed I needed to up my medication. I was having multiple anxiety attacks a day, I was either sleeping too much or not sleeping at all, I was constantly sick to my stomach, I wasn't eating enough or eating too much. I wasn't motivated to do anything and honestly, I'm eager about learning something new, I always have been. I wasn't going out of my way to do something I love, I was going to class, eating, and then going to bed. I had a solid autopilot routine.

It was when I was laying in my bed for three hours, the sun going down by the second hour and I was just lying in my unmade bed in the dark—that's when I realized I need to take care of myself and up my meds to get me through the simplest tasks.

The hardest part with mental illness is admitting you're not doing okay and you need a little help.

Callaghan Carter

My doctor simply said, "We'll up them and give you a kick in the ass", and that's exactly what I needed and more. I think I went months not wanting to admit that I needed help because I was scared of upping my meds, I was scared of not being okay again.

Two weeks later after upping my meds, I'm starting to feel like myself again. I'm dancing in my t-shirt and underwear in my room again. I did laundry, did the dishes, cleaned my room and wore jeans all in one day. That day, I felt exhausted still, but really really good at the same time. I felt like I was getting back on my feet and not lying in my room in the dark for hours.

I'm starting to realize that you can be happy and sad at the same time.

That's what living with mental illness is like and I have to be okay with that.

Nothing is wrong, I'm doing nothing wrong. I can't see the sunshine all the time, but I can enjoy the rain, too. I'm going to live with mental illness my whole life, thanks to genetics, but I'm starting to be okay with it all. Stressing about something I can't change is a waste of time and giving me unnecessary anxiety. I have to remember the pills are helping me and not labeling me. The pills are just an extra kick in the ass, and the pills are helping keep me alive.

Be okay with not being okay. The meds aren't the end of the world, I promise. They're there to help you. Accept the help you're capable of having and take care of yourself.

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