As a music major, I have a complicated relationship with my major. There are good days, bad days, performance days, and there are days when I just pretend it doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm sure many other college students have this struggle. Sometimes I want to change my major to anything but music, but I don't. Instead I struggle through the constant practicing, sight singing exams, the ear training, and the crippling self doubt. Because it's worth it. Because I love being a music major.
Remember that one story about Moses and the burning bush? When God spoke through the bush to call Moses to his leadership position? I think we often get so distracted by the busy that we forget -- Moses tried to shove the job off to his brother Aaron. Moses claimed he wasn't qualified. He begged God to give the position to someone -- anyone -- else. But God was calling him, and he did it. Moses is one of the most revered leaders in Old Testament history. In this complicated relationship with my major, I often have what I call a Moses day. I know that I'm called to be a worship leader, to be a musician and bring glory to Him through my music. Knowing what you're called to do and wanting to do it are very different things, however. On my Moses days, I know that I'm meant to be a musician and that music is the work God made me for, but that doesn't mean I want to do it. It's hard and not always fun, I'm hard on myself and think I can't do it. It becomes more work than play. Moses days suck.
But Moses days also show me that it's worth it. Moses days are when I suck it up and work hard anyways. Those days are when I succeed most, because they are the days that I push through. The days that I defeat the desire to resist God's plans for me. Moses days are good for me. The love-hate relationship with my major is not only tricky but I've learned so much from it. Hating my major shows me how to do things I don't want to do, always a valuable skill. It teaches me to do not just what I want to do but what I need to do. It teaches me that God's will is not my own and how to follow His plans rather than my own. It also teaches me to love my major as well as myself.
My major is not a definition, but an extension of myself. It is something I strive toward, something I do. It is something to work for and enjoy. Therefore, I can remain a music major whilst hating it. Though I've debated it quite a few times, I would never actually change my major. I love being a music major. I love making music, performing, and looking into music theory. I love sitting at a piano and being able to play around with the various sounds I can make. I love making music to glorify God. Even if I weren't a music major I would continue to do it. But I am a music major, which means I get to learn how to better my musicianship in an effort to better glorify my God. And maybe, just maybe, it will lessen the amount of Moses days I have. Because I really do hate my major.
