Wait, this is really happening?

When I walked into our first home & saw the person I love more than I could ever explain, packing up his belongings and moving them out, it was the closest I had ever come to a heart attack.

Have you ever felt so fucking sad that you feel physically sick? Or your body physically hurts? That is what I felt. The most overwhelming rush of sadness I had ever experienced. This coming from a girl who has lost her grandfather at 11, and her father at 16.

I was so sad. Devastated. Crushed. Things I never thought I'd feel. Things I am almost certain I wouldn't have felt about us breaking up, had I not seen what I'd saw. He was doing it for me. Because I wanted it to be done. He didn't. But he thought (and I thought as well) that that's what I wanted.

When he left that night, it became glaringly clear to me that he was the person I wanted to spend forever with. But that didn't mean he didn't piss me the fuck off. Because even after that, we still had a couple major throw downs before he left.

Aaron is infamous for being late. Literally everywhere. Every time. No matter what.

I.

Can.

Not.

Stand.

It.

Nothing makes me more mad than him not being somewhere when he said he would be. So when he wasn't home to feed the dog, or didn't have a ride home, or couldn't be dropped off somewhere so he could come stay at the apartment, I literally would lose my mind. Then one day, he was late because he had taken a phone call that changed our lives.

The worst phone call of my life came in late March, a couple days before one of Aaron's court dates. It was Aaron telling me that he'd just talked to his attorney, & that the joke of a State's Attorney had offered him a bullshit plea for his bullshit charges. He told me what the offer was & I just sat at my desk, mouth wide open, & tears in my eyes. I said "if you're fucking with me, it's not funny at all." Which is when his voice cracked and he said, "I swear to God, I'm going to prison." For the first time in my entire life, it wasn't about money, it wasn't about who my family knew, it wasn't about anything other than politics and this pussy ass, crybaby, poor black me, world we live in. It was in every way possible, out of my control. That was something I couldn't, and still can't, accept. There had to be something that could be done. There had to be someone I could sweet talk, or pay, or something. There had to be a way to avoid this.

My mom was the first person I called after Aaron and I hung up. It's been a rule since I can remember that you don't call The Big Dog at work. I fairly regularly break this rule. But when she doesn't answer the first time I don't call back. But that March day, I was calling that biotch until she answered. When she finally answered, she was piiiissssed, & said "WHAT!" Through my sobs, i mustered up the world "Mommmmmmm-uh." She realized something was actually wrong, "oh God.. what!? What's the matter!!?" I explained it to the best of my knowledge. In my 22 and a half years of life, I cannot recall a time I saw my mom truly speechless.

But she was that day. My parents were shocked, sadden, and confused, but just as they were from the beginning, they were supportive and optimistic of both of us. (Let me also add, if it weren't for my mother... lord have mercy, I wouldn't have mad it this far.)

When we sat down with his attorney before his court date, he said he couldn't believe how it all played out. In his 20+ years in this line of work, he had never been so confused about a case. From the charges to the plea, it was all just a big bowl of fuckery. Me being a hot head, instantly got pissy with him. "I just don't fucking understand. We hired you because you said this would be no problem to be dropped. I don't get it. Now he has to go to PRISON for something he didn't do? He's going to spend X amount of years in PRISON for something his racist, POS friend did!?" He explained why HE felt the state wasn't budging but it still didn't make a whole lot of sense. When Aaron was initially charged, we thought "Oh they just want Earl, so they have to charge you too. All you have to do is say that you didn't do anything, that it was all Earl, and you'll be golden." Whoops. (It has been brought to my attention that some people previously mentioned in other posts would like to remain private. Which is fine, because everyone who knows Aaron knows who led him down the path he was on, and why he is sitting where he is right now.)

We went in the court room that day & they made it official. They gave him 29 days to get his loose ends tied up before he came back for his sentencing and to be taken into custody. I felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. We left that day & promised each other that we would make the most of the 29 days. And we really did try. But some days, the sadness hung over both of us like a black cloud.

Nothing could've prepared me for the rage and disgust that would take over me in those final few weeks. People coming out of the wood work, wanting to see him, say bye, get ahold of him, act as though they were best buds. Mother fucker, you're joking right? This is MY time with him. I didn't want to share him? Still don't, never will. We went to one family function on his side, and after that we both decided we will never attend another again. We were doing things on our own time now. Our schedule, our convenience. I had a going away party for him. An open house invite to a public place for anyone that wanted to see him before he went. Would you believe it? 90% of those people that called him their "brother" never showed.

All I could do was sit back. We both caught heat from every which direction. People telling me he wasn't worth it and that I needed to let go and do my own thing. People telling him that I wouldn't stick around, and I'm not going to be loyal. Blah blah blah. Get this, the people that said all those things are the same people that say I cheat on Aaron now! HA! Even better? We haven't talked to those people since the month before he left! HAHA! But they got it all figured out, ya know?

I was the only one in the courtroom when he left April 19th, 2018. No "friends" and no family saw him get handcuffed and shoved off, just me. Without so much as a hug or an i love you, he was ripped from me. Just like that my life changed forever. After over a year of spending everyday with someone, suddenly I was alone.

For 5 days I cried continually. Heavy, can't catch my breath, don't want to leave my bed, crying. Then I woke up Tuesday morning and said, I can't change this. I can only deal with it. And no one writes a fucking book on how to cope with your boyfriend being sent to the pokey for something he didn't fucking do. So here I am, dealing. Crying when I need to cry, laughing when I want to laugh, working my ass off, studying ahead in my books, sleeping when I can, and cleaning up after my dogs. (And roommate.)

At 22 years old, I can truly say I never in a million years thought this would be my life. But for awhile, this is how it is. I don't think about leaving him, I don't think about whether the grass is greener, I don't think about how long he's got left. I think about things that make my heart swell. Like my brother & step father giving me away to him someday, him holding our daughter, him kissing my forehead when he thinks I'm asleep, him making me the worst cups of coffee ever, sitting on the patio watching a storm roll through. That's what I hold on to. The good things. The things that give me hope, joy & warmth.

So yes; my boyfriend is in prison for something he isn't guilty of. Yes we are going to make it through it. Yes everyone literally hates that. Yes I have no problem cutting people out of my life. Yes that is my best friend.

Yes, that is the person I want to spend every last breath I am blessed with next to.