The fact that my university is Augustinian Roman Catholic was honestly part of the reason I choose to go to Villanova. I didn’t mind taking the Augustinian Culture Seminars and two required theology courses. I was excited to expand my faith and knowledge. I came to campus with my beautiful new Bible, a journal for my devotions, and a book from my grandmother with daily devotions for college students.

I can’t remember the last time any of those things left my desk drawer.

The first semester was in full swing and religion, of course, was a huge topic in several of my classes. I learned how other religions think (I’ve grown up Lutheran) and differences in church services. I would argue and defend religion in any situation, write papers claiming God above all with quotes from the Bible, and have an answer to most questions regarding morality.

How strange it felt when I realized I maybe did not believe everything I was saying/doing. How strange it felt when I allowed myself to think and doubt instead of preaching whatever I was “supposed” to say.

How strange it felt when I connected with one of Jesus’ last sayings on the cross.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

My God, my God, why have you allowed the stress of this new journey in my life to manifest into entirely consuming anxiety? Why have you allowed terrible people in this world to continue to act in such destructive ways, forcing me to fear my fellow peers? Why have you left me surrounded by people yet to feel alone?

Why is there pain in my heart whenever I try to talk to you?

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

I am living for me. I have come to accept the fact that I am on my own- there is no higher power that is influencing the way life plays out. I still believe there is a God and maybe He really is a benevolent God. But, for now, with the heart-breaking world we live in today, it is too easy for me to say

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”