Losing a sibling comes in many directions. It plummets you when you least expect it yet brings joy to your eyes on other days.
Loss of a sibling is going through life feeling guilty that you got the lucky genes. It's feeling guilty you are alive, and your sibling isn't. It's hearing others talk about their siblings and instantly getting jealous. It's wanting to scream at others who complain about their siblings because they don't realize just how lucky they are, and how you would give the world to be in their position just one more time.
Losing a sibling is never knowing how to introduce the fact that you have another sibling who isn't here.
It's questioning to mention the fact that they aren't here because you're afraid to make others uncomfortable. But, it's also wanting to talk about them 24/7 to continue the life they had, which you are very proud of.
It's making your sibling your phone background. Losing a sibling is writing their name on birthday and holiday cards. It is fearing that whoever opens the card will get upset, even though writing it makes you happy.
Losing a sibling is continually being told you should be healing and not mourning anymore. It's others expecting you to be OK. It's believing that this is true and that you should be able to handle things when you really cannot. It's putting on a fake front for everyone around you, and sometimes even yourself. It's telling others that you are OK until you completely break down.
Losing a sibling is crying in your room at night and in the shower so that no one else hears you.
Losing a sibling is listening to songs that bring you to tears. It's thinking of their voice or the sounds they made and being woken up in the middle of the night because you think you hear them. It's subconsciously walking into their room to only find an empty bed that has been the same way for years.
Losing a sibling is going to bed feeling like you are forgetting something. It's setting their ashes next to your bed so you can say good morning and goodnight. It's being petrified others will touch their chair or blanket that you have left out. Losing a sibling is getting mad when others take their seat. It's having a birthday cake with no one to blow out the candles.
Loss of a sibling is taking part in times when your family should be happy, but in reality, they are not. It's watching your parents in these times with pain and tears in their eyes. It's seeing their smile, but knowing it's filled with heartache. It's being afraid to take a family photo because your family isn't complete. It's not wanting to let your parents set the dinner table because you know they will cry when they have to set one less place. It's walking in opposite directions or rambling about miscellaneous stuff to your parents so that they don't hear or see the stranger next to you that might remind them of their child.
Losing a sibling is worrying too much about your parents at your siblings' funeral that you barely give yourself time to process and realize what is going on.
Sibling loss is seeing a large casket with the smallest body in it, it's being too big for an infant casket, yet too small for an adult. It's seeing the distance between their once lively feet and the end of the casket knowing just how much was taken from them. It's choosing a final outfit for them to wear, and realizing this was an outfit they wore at your last special event.
It's hearing others talk about your sibling in the past tense and breaking down each time.
Losing a sibling is constantly being asked if your parents are OK because they are the ones that lost a child, but you lost someone too that day and many forget to realize that. Losing a sibling is begging to have a child one day just like your sibling so that their story can live on and so that you can see them yet again. It's also fearing that your child will have to endure the same pain your sibling did and that your other children will have to be a witness to what you have already endured. It's living in fear of re-living this exact situation as a parent.
Tonight, loss of a sibling is lying in bed holding the pillow pet I got my sister for Christmas because it's the only thing left to hold. It's listening to her favorite song and the songs from her funeral. It's wearing the matching t-shirt she wore the day she died to honor her on this very special day, the anniversary of her death.