Cancer - you suck. You seem to impact everybody's life in some way, and it's never positive or happy. You pick some of the most gentle and precious souls on this earth, and you wreak havoc on the lives of everyone you touch. My grandma was hands down the strongest person I've ever known. I hated watching you march into her life again and aggressively take her away from our family.
March 18, 2018, was the last time I got to hold her hand. She wasn't awake, but I know she knows we were there with her. I sat by her bedside in the hospital, talking, singing, and sharing stories with family, trying not to cry because we knew she wouldn't want that. How could you not cry, though, knowing you're about to lose someone who's been there your entire life? Who you've made so many great memories with? We weren't ready to say goodbye, but it was just a matter of time before we would have to let go.
March 21st, 2018, was the day I realized my life would forever be different. It was a day that so many hearts were broken. A day that cancer took another precious life way too soon. The day God called my grandma, one of my best friends, to her forever home. My alarm was set to go off at 6:45 that morning. When my phone went off, I rolled over to grab it, ready to turn my alarm off. Only it was 6:44, and it wasn't my alarm, but the phone call that I had been dreading. My heart sank immediately, and the words "She went home to be with God this morning. She's gone," were just another stab to the heart.
I didn't know what to expect of the days, weeks, or months to come. They'd probably look the same - I'd go to school, go to softball practice, talk to my family at night, go to sleep, get up the next day, and repeat. But how the days would feel? I wasn't prepared for that. The first couple of weeks after my grandma's passing, I physically hurt. It's hard to explain, but for those of you who have gone through losing someone so close, you understand the feeling. If you don't know the pain, I sincerely hope you never have to experience it. It sucks, and it never truly goes away. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. It was hard to focus, and it was hard to be happy. I was constantly worried I would forget memories I had made with her, or forget the sound of her voice or her laugh. Losing someone to cancer like that is sort of traumatic, you know? It made me feel like there wouldn't ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. It didn't feel real that she was actually gone. If I'm being honest, it still doesn't feel real all the time. There's the whole "5 stages of grieving" or whatever, but it's dumb. All people grieve differently, and you never really stop. You don't get to the 5th step, "acceptance" and suddenly realize "oh, yeah, they're gone, we should stop being sad now because there's nothing we can do." It's been a year now, and I don't know if I've truly accepted the fact that she lost her battle to cancer.
Throughout the months, you realize just how much you miss them when you go to pick up the phone to call them, only to slowly put your phone down because you remember that they aren't here anymore. You realize it when something happens in your life and you want to tell them, but you can't. You realize it when you think about your graduation, your wedding, or other milestones, and how they won't be there to experience it with you.
Grandma Bets - I'm not quite sure how it's been a whole year already. Wow is it weird without you. I know you've been watching down on me since the day you left us. I'm trying my hardest to make you proud with everything I do. You taught me to work hard at everything I do. So much has happened since you left, and I wish you were here physically to have my back like you always did. I'm so thankful for all of the memories we made together. I wish we could wake up at 5:30 to have a bowl of cereal and get our chores done together. Thanks for always being patient and letting little Austin and Becca feed the calves, even if we took a little longer than you wanted. Thanks for not getting *too* mad at Austin and I when we had our water fights with the hose when we should've been watering the calves. Thanks for sitting through softball and basketball games, and choir and band concerts. Thanks for always making sure you had some sort of treat out for us when we came over, or having a pan of cookies in the oven because you forgot. Thanks for always taking Austin and I on four wheeler rides to get some energy out. Thanks for not getting too upset if we woke you up from a nap because we were a little too rowdy. I'm beyond thankful that I got to have you in my life for 16 years. I miss you more every day, and I wish you were still here, but I know you're up there watching down on us. I love you forever, grandma.
